It’s hard not to miss your old life.

It’s hard not to miss your old life.

Elijah went for a sleepover at his nanny’s yesterday so me and James could go cinemas and destress as we had a very stressful week and needed some time to just breath. It got me thinking that sometimes I miss our old life. When it was us two. I obviously don’t wish away or regret having Elijah but sometimes I ache with a need to just be us sometimes.

Nobody really warns you when you try and get pregnant that you will no longer have time just the two of you anymore. You get told from everyone they’ll be there for childcare but once baby exits your body nobody wants to know. Childcare is a few hours of peace and it’s rare to get anymore than that. I can count on one hand the nights away from Elijah we’ve had. In two years that’s not a lot of time. Although I love our family time and cuddles on the sofa I miss life in the slow lane.

It’s the little things you miss, waking up at the weekend after a lay in. Slowly waking up and scrolling on your phone and chatting till you decide to get up and go have breakfast. Having a a slow breakfast eating whatever you want with no mess to clean up after, hands to wipe or hands grabbing at your food. It’s deciding what you want to do and just going out to do it. No packing a massive bag and cramming with snacks and nappies. No thinking do they have baby changing? Is it kid friendly? How long should I be there before I need to come home and get the kid to nap?

It’s missing out on dates. Where you used to randomly decide at 7 you where going to cinema and just get in the car and go and now it’s can you have the kid in a weeks time for two hours please and we’ll pick and drop you off? It’s going to a restaurant and spending the whole time worrying about other people judging your kid for going on your phone or making a noise or something like that. It’s also cleaning the floor and sides after eating a meal. Something you’d never do just the two of you on a date.

It’s the conversation being calmed down. Not swearing except for when the kids in bed and talking about certain subjects so they don’t learn the words and go round using the c word or something like that. I will say however I find it hilarious when kids swear by accident it brings my soul pure joy!

I miss not relying on anyone to do things just us two now and when we go and do our old hobbies not having to rush them because Elijah grows bored or tired. I miss going to bed when I wanted and not waking up exhausted. Not having to listen to baby alarm in a light sleep and waking at every roll in his bed all night long. I miss when 7 am was early to me on days I wasn’t working.

Overall I love our life now and wouldn’t change it for the world. I love our family and how much better life has got since having Elijah but sometimes, just sometimes I miss when it was us two and we could be just a couple .

Wedding talk: part five- the dress.

Wedding talk: part five- the dress.

Dress shopping was going to be difficult for me as I hate attention being on me. I wear something and feel uncomfortable in it even if I loved it when I brought it. Your wedding day is the one day EVERYONE looks at you and easily awaits to see the dress. Looking online I had ideas of what I wanted and so I set a date to go dress shopping.

I went just before January, 4 months before my wedding. I knew I would be getting married in such a short time and it panicked me. I wanted to look earlier but we kept forgetting to book a day. The first dress I tried on was the style of what I’d seen online. I wanted sleethes and basically my whole body hidden. It was absolutely hidious when I tried it on and it put me right of sleethes straight away. I scanned the rack and wasn’t having much luck. I was still big from having Elijah and trying to loose weight so I was looking for the size I was then. The shop owner then went to looking and brought in a dress it looked so boring and plain as she walked it up to me and said I know it’s the size down which in wedding dress sizes is two sizes down but you could always get a seamstress to let some out and if you’re planning to let some out then it might just fit. At first I didn’t want to try it on because I thought 1 I wouldn’t like the dress and 2 get upset as it didn’t fit me. I was helped into the dress by the dress fitter and I walked out. The dress was heavy but it felt oddly light. I picked the dress up and stood in front of the mirror. Instantly my mum and I burst into tears this was THE DRESS I couldn’t believe the second dress was the dress. It didn’t fit as she had no more but she said it could be let out a size or two and I said I’d loose the weight to fit in this. I asked the lady to reserve it and I’d be back within a hour if I still wanted the dress. We had another shop to look in. I went in and nothing was right I hated every single last dress and nothing compared so we went back and I asked to try it on again. I put the dress back on and I felt like a princess I know cliche! The trail was beautiful and the little embroidering of lace gave it a elegant feel and wasn’t too much. I never wanted a open shoulder but it made my body look right. It hid my tummy and hugged my hips. We brought it then and there. I couldn’t believe my luck that the second dress I tried on was the right one and nothing else jumped out at me or us even now after my wedding nothing has grabbed any of my attention. I was so glad that I’d found my dress and the one of the sale rack, which was so much cheeper we’d saved about 2k on a dress aswell as it being beautiful.

Top tips for dress shopping.

  • Clear your head. Looking online to get a idea helps but don’t pick a select dress or you’ll never find the dress.
  • Dresses are expensive you can’t go in expecting to only pay a few hundred.
  • You can pay for a veil somewhere else, the lady wanted 85 for a veil, I found one online for
  • You also have to pay for a seamstress to fit it exactly to you which is costly also.
  • Dresses sizes can be changed about one up and two down sometimes more.
  • Let others help you.
  • Take someone with you to try the dresses on and get opinions.
  • Wear light natural make up. Putting the dresses on you don’t want to get foundation on dress and have to pay for it to be cleaned.
  • Wear a strapless bra and good underwear the seamstress will probably see you in your underwear.
  • If you feel the dress is the one it probably is and don’t buy second best.
  • Only your opinion matters nobody else’s. Someone may not like your dress but if you like it that’s what matters. They’re not wearing it.
  • Enjoy it.

Using a Seamstress. I went over the road to this beautiful seamstress shop which was painted red and knocked with my wedding dress she said she would book me for fittings and I could see how weight loss was going and plan. She was very good and I came back two months after. Two months before wedding was my first fitting and another two weeks before to check all right and anymore adjustments. The first appointment I was very nervous about it and I lost sleep worrying I wouldn’t fit in my dress. I had been dieting so hard I’d gone down a dress size although I was proud it wasn’t enough. I went in on the morning and stood up. They ask you to bring your wedding heals and I told them I’d be going in pumps so stood barefoot in my socks and dress. They help you into your dress and do it up. I wore no bra as my dress had a bra sort of fitted inside and the last thing I wanted on my wedding day was to be uncomfortable I’d brought a bra incase but was comfortable without it. I was suprised when it did up half way and was proud I’d lost so much weight although I worried nothing could be done. I told them I wanted to loose more so they said they’d start the work on the length and making a loop so I could tie the train up for first dance. They got on floor using lots of pins to pick up each of the many layers to mark what needed to be done I stood for about ten minuites chatting to my friend who had come. I then got changed and left. I tried really hard the next few months to loose the weight and when it came to my last fitting the dress bloody did up! I was so happy I had done it I had gotten into the dress and it fit perfectly the dress was all the more beautiful now. They said they would let my hips out a bit as I have wide hips but other than that regardless it fit and I could walk. I was so excited. They finished the work in a few days and I picked it up and left with my mother in law at her house so Elijah wouldn’t get a hold of it. Seamstresses aren’t cheep and you need to put away some extra money this lovely lady charged me 250 but could of charged more.

The day of the wedding the girls helped me into the dress and it didn’t move atall all day. It was long and a bit of a pain to walk about in but I didn’t care it was so beautiful at the reception I tied it up and didn’t care who I made have to jump out of my way. I danced all night in it and absolutely adored it. I only needed the toilet once all day and took three of us to go lifting up my dress but we managed it was to be expected.

I don’t have many photos and forgot to take a photo of dress other than one in seamstress office which isn’t the greatest but here’s some pictures of it on!

Keeping organised.

Keeping organised.

Being a mum there’s nothing more stressful than trying to retain things like what day it is and your availability of the top of your head. I’ve found since having a kid I’m a bit more organised and able to structure my life a bit better without planning to see someone and forgetting. I owe it all down to my new organisation.

My favourite thing is my diary. Until a few months ago I was rechecking texts to remember when I was seeing people and getting mixed up stressing myself out in the process. I brought myself a lovely diary which has lots of space. I have a big part for each day and then 4 small boxes on the next page to write things I could be doing or have planned also. What I do is write my day and evening plans and then in a box sometimes cleaning jobs I need to do and then in a box meal prep and what’s for dinner. My diary also has a convenient reminders check list at the side of each week so I can write what I need to do each week and tick it off. Very handy when needing to call doctors, run an Errand or a reminder to pick something up in town. The diary also comes with a month overview so I can write clearly where I am so I don’t have to look through weeks to find the dates which I think is so handy. My diary makes me feel safe. It shows me I’m actually quite busy and have friends and am loved. It shows me I do a lot around the house when I think I’ve done none.

I also have a large quantity of notebooks. My favourites are magnetic ones I keep on fridge for writing shopping lists and quick reminders. I love my menu planner which I think is really good for reminding me what meat to get out, what to buy for shopping and have a routine that is not the same grub every night .

Having a family Callander can be good too. If one of us want to do something we write on diary that way if one of us want to go out with friends childcare’s left with the other person so no arguements. However James forgets to read and has several times booked to do things on days I’ve got a paid for show or reunion to attend that’s been planned for months.

I really find that keeping organised has really helped me and my life to stay on track recently and gives me a lot of comfort when organising. I feel on top of myself and writing to do lists can really help my mind and make me stop being anxious and focus on a task. I get satisfaction crossing things I’ve done out and adding new things to my diary and note books makes me feel as though I have a life when sometimes I feel I don’t.

Wedding talk: Part three – Entertainment.

Wedding talk: Part three – Entertainment.

Entertainment is something really important for a wedding. When you’re having a reception you don’t want you guests stood around staring at the walls bored out of their mind so this is something I focused on quite a lot. Having children coming it was essential they wouldn’t get bored and have things to do and play with at all times.

First of all you want a dj. A good one, you want them to be able to take over your entire disco. I looked around at reviews I didn’t care about prices I just wanted a good one and then met with them. I didn’t tell them what to play I just said give me a good mix and shove in some Kanye, iggy azalea and queen. What’s a wedding without queen. Other than my first dance I didn’t request any specifics I said no black lace (party tunes)and under no circumstances would baby shark be played or their dj set would be thrown out the nearest window. The only thing I didn’t want is to feel like I was at a kids party, it was me and James wedding day and we love anything we can sing too and dance and said let the guests request it’s a party! I even got little dj requests made on Etsy and shipped to me for the wedding. I feel the dj really made a difference and EVERYONE got up and danced at some point even if the dance floor wasn’t huge and to my surprise I basically danced all night. And i may or may not of been dropping to floor and rapping like a mad woman but i was killing it!

Secondly we wanted a photo booth. We looked at lots of places on line and when we went to pick dj had a look on their website and they just so happened to do a photo booth too. I looked through the photos they had and the props and loved them. I booked straight away. Photo booths are a bit expensive but I don’t care everyone absolutely loved the entertainment and even the quiet ones went in. The package came with photos put online only I could access, a usb with them all, photos for all the guests (as many as they wanted) and a photo book the staff would print a extra of each photo and put them in and make guests write a comment next to it like a guest book. I’m so glad they did as the guests forgot to write in my guest book and I had like three pages! It was full to the brim and was such a precious memory keep sake and makes me chuckle watching how people get more drunk and the naughty drawings and words appeared. The props where amazing and they had two massive boxes filled with hats, masks, accessories, signs, wigs you name it they had them! The guests could also choose how many photos to take in one and choose everything down to the background. Perhaps the funniest was cousin completely wasted doing some sort of gangster pose with spider man in the background writing in the book “cogratumilations wagwan”. Everyone loved it and it was nice to see couples and family’s taking photos and when I go to my family and friends houses now and see them hanging on the wall it just fills me with joy. It also meant we had some immediate wedding photos which I loved. When we went home we took them back to the hotel and that night went through laughing.

Activities for the older guests. As previously mentioned I got some dj requests made to start conversations and let my guests choose what they had playing to dance too. I also put out some little activity sheets which came back absolutely halerious especially when people got drunk and filled them with fake people such as the rock and some other guy from fast and furious. Apparently I have very famous friends. I got adult games of giant naughts and crosses, lido and snakes and ladders which I donated to a primary school after the big day. Adults like to eat too so I got a doughnut wall filled with doughnuts and I got pick n mix which guests could help them self’s to which also entertained them. Also the bar defiantly helped entertain everyone!

Children where quite hard as he’s a lot of baby’s and toddlers, but I got children all colouring books (big ones to take home) , crayons, bubbles and some activity sheets from Poundland. When kids got bored of them it entertained the adults. I also brought toys from Elijahs home like cars, figures and my friend brought some too. These went down a big hit with the younger children and they where entertained for so long! They also loved the pick n mix. When the music came on they loved having a boogy on the dance floor and chasing the lights. The kids clearly enjoyed the photo booth too as there’s lots of photos of them with different hats and masks on and they walked around all night wearing different things!

Other than normal entertainment big things like first dance and speeches where put closely together before the dj started so that everyone could have cake and eat and do what they wanted and so that children could go when tired or bored!

Overall I think I entertained everyone pretty well and there’s things I could of done to entertain people a bit more but you do what you can! But it was a fantastic day!

1000 blog views!

1000 blog views!

First of all I want to say a big thankyou for each and everyone of you who have took the time to look a my blog! I’ve hit over 1000 views and I couldn’t be any prouder that people actually want to read things I have to say!

This whole experience for me has just been a fun way to express myself and sort of relax in the form of blogging. I have always just blogged about anything that pops into my head no matter if I think I’ll get any likes or views on it! It’s been a bit daunting at times thinking “should I have written that?!” But then I remind myself this is my blog and my safe space. I’m a normal 24 year old stay at home mum and wife just trying to enjoy life as much as I can and blog a bit when I’m there! I want others to feel safe here too and know they are not alone in their feelings and can come here for both positive and negative things they may experience. I want to give people ideas on things to do and to eat aswell! With that I’m back to my cup of tea and kindle to enjoy some free time while Elijah is playing round his nans. So thank you again and stay tuned for more!

Why I’m taking a break from social media (my personal social media at least).

Why I’m taking a break from social media (my personal social media at least).

As much as social media is a gift to our generation it can also be a curse. I’m going through quite a bad bout of anxiety recently and a lot of self doubt in myself my image and judging myself on how good a wife and mother I am. I’ve noticed a lot recently the amount of people who post fake life’s online and how I’ve seen the other side of that image they put up and the fact seeing other peoples fake images make me feel down and low.

After watching odd one out on bbc I player I’ve really stated to notice all the hurtful things strangers say to each other online and how they hide behind a computer screen to say the most disgusting things. I being someone who has been bullied both in person and cyber bullied know first hand how comments can hurt. And I can’t help but feel the negativity and somewhat when I see people bullying people online. People writing on Instagram posts people look ugly or say for example news papers and public ripping apart the royal family and Meghan Markle. The people comment like they know her and can actually form an opinion on someone they don’t even know or ever will! I’ve also been reading a notes on a nervous planner. From the first page I related this to my anxiety. I.e segueing with strangers, staring at my phone and wasting my life and comparing my life and everything to others. When you’re feeling down you already are feeling pretty negative and looking on twitter and Facebook basically just shows more negativity and bad things that affect how we live.

I have more time. I have only gone one day without social media and I have already spotless cleaned my house and kept it clean. I have done all house work and not been exhausted by it. I’ve spent more time playing with my son and had more time do things with him I wouldn’t always do. I cooked home cook meals today from scratch and wasn’t distracted I enjoyed listening to music and hearing it and watched a sunset. I had the house tidy and Elijah bathed and in bed for 7 and I was bathed and ready to relax by 8. I’m currently catching up on Kuwtk and then I’ll be in bed for 9 to either sleep or read till I’m ready and it’s something I’d never do as I’d waste hours on my phone for no reason!

I’m less stressed. I’m not anxious about reading arguements or getting involved in them. Seeing talk about brexit and politicians. Not seeing news story’s where something horrible is happening when I can barely relax myself let alone the anxiety on the worrying about them.

So who knows how long this will last but if you’re stressed just try a day without social media.

Super quick and healthy Bolognese

Super quick and healthy Bolognese

Something everyone in my family loves is a bolognese so if we’re cooking for just us three or quite a few it’s a sure crowd pleaser. I make everything from scratch that goes into it so I can have it for little babies that done round ours and my son loved when weaning!

What goes in it?

  • Peppers 3 different colours a yellow, green and red.
  • Onion.
  • Mushrooms.
  • 2 garlic cloves.
  • Tinned tomato’s.
  • 2 tablespoons of tomato purée.
  • Oregano a table spoon.
  • Basil a tablespoon.
  • Sprinkle of chilli flakes or more if you like spicy.
  • Chives a sprinkle or one diced stick.
  • Mince 250 grams for saucy or 500 for little sauce or quorn.
  • Garlic granules a sprinkle.
  • Vegetable oil or 1 cal spray which I use.

Method:

Cut all your veg, the smaller the better especially the mushroom if you dice it picky eaters who don’t eat mushroom (but aren’t allergic).Shove everything in pan then oil or spray on top and mix in. Add your mince ( I use 5% as it’s healthier and tastes so much better). Stir and heat on high till browned then drain juices. When juices are drained shove in your tinned tomato’s. Add purée and seasoning. Stir around until fully spread and keep on high stirring every few minutes. If you’re making pasta with this the time to do is now and when then pastas done the mince is too! The mince and sauce will combine and everything will mix nicely and it should be done in ten minutes. Simply serve and anything you don’t eat can be frozen and defrosted and reheated later! Perfect way to get toddlers to eat there vegetables as they can’t see the coloured veg as well covered in a tomatoey sauce! The meal is quite cheep and all veg and mince can be brought for about a fiver in aldi except the spices but they’re cheep enough and last many different meals!

Trip to Jimmy’s farm!

Trip to Jimmy’s farm!

We’re quite lucky to leave in a countryside town. They’re no shortages of beautiful countryside walks, farms and animals if you have a look about nature. We’re also very lucky to live quite near by (ten minute drive) to Jimmy’s farm! If you live in the uk it’s probably one of the most famous little farms there is. Jimmy the owner is friends with Jamie Oliver and has had a few tv shows.

It’s a lovely little farm that’s spread out. The animals all seem as happy as they can be at a farm and there is plenty to see and do. I would rate this probably one of the most toddler friendly places to go as there is so much for them and children to do. It’s not overly expensive either and there’s plenty of homey shops and cafes. The restaurant sells the best sausage and mash I have ever had! The pens are quite spaced out so lots of room to run around and no crowding on busy days. There’s lots of different pens with different animals. You can tell the farmers really look after their animals and clean up constantly as it doesn’t have that horrible farm smell you get when you go to a farm and you’re not having to watch your feet for animal poop!

The play areas are quite nice there’s a sandpit with a pirateship, sandcastle equipment, tires and a massive bouncy pillow for kids to jump on aswell as little slides. There’s also a really big play frame for kids too and more play equipment. There’s a little snack shed next door to play bits so can buy little bits for sitting round watching kiddos play. There’s also a little animal trail where you look for statues of animals and make dens with sticks. There’s a hobbit house complete with toy utensils perfect for little ones. The place is very inclusive aswell and has BSL signs for each animal to teach children the signs too aswell as hell those who are deaf! Plenty of space to run round too! There’s a little picnic area with pretend cars and tractors kids can get in and pretend to drive.

Some of the animals that we could see!

  • Ponys
  • Donkeys
  • Ducks
  • Chickens
  • Tortoises
  • Birds
  • Emus
  • Ostrich
  • Goats
  • Sheep
  • Wallabies
  • Pigs
  • Cows
  • Butterfly house
  • Lizards
  • Snakes
  • Crocodiles
  • Reindeer
  • Llamas
  • Bunny’s
  • Meerkats
  • Camels

Overall a lovely day out and somewhere we go again and again. If you’re ever in Suffolk and want to see a farm this is for you!

A letter to my little guy at 22 months.

A letter to my little guy at 22 months.

Sitting here in bed with you watching hey duggee for the millionth time I feel so lucky to be able to spend my mornings with you. I love that you insist on cuddling close or putting a foot or hand on me to let me know that you are still there when your lost in the tv world. I love how kind you are becoming, I love that you love to spend time with friends and family and share your toys without any prompt. I love that you are so eager to share your knowledge and show other children and people what you have found and learnt yourself. I so love watching how your mind grows everyday, how everyday you say new words and I am so proud of you for even trying. You’re favourite thing to do is play with yours jungle animals and include mummy and daddy in the play. I love how you throw your head back and shout roar and we have a animal noise shout off even at 6 am when you’ve just woken up (not even sorry neighbours).

I love that you tell me if you’d like to go out and tell me you would like to go in a car or a bus which means go out. I love that when we go out you’re always so happy just to if left the house even if just to go to the shops. You tell me what you can see and get so excited even by the fat ginger cat that try’s to steal your buggy when we walk. You’re totally crazy and full of energy when we go soft okay or the park but you never want to be too far from me and I watch you look for me and happily shout mummy and run for me smiling when you get lonely.

Watching films and tv series something I’ve always do with my own finally happens. You will let me cuddle you for more than a second and my heart feels full once more while we watch the lion king AGAIN or something else. I enjoy how you play with toys differently. We used to just hold and look at cars but now we race them and push them and their buttons. We colour together now and use stickers and different colours now too! We play with okay dough and you will make shapes and play with the tools and not get bored and want to run around holding a blue ball for a hour screaming if taken off you. We use your toy kitchen and make fake food together and then you share with your guests when the come over and show them how to cook too. Animals are now given voices and people and not just something to run and hold now.

Even now as I lay here planning you and your best friends joint birthday party for two months time I’m still in shock you will be two. You may be already exhibiting the signs of the terrible twos but even when you have rolled around screaming all day over a toy, I will always miss you the second I put you to bed and check on you several times just to watch you sleep and kiss your sleepy head. How I wish time would slow down so I could enjoy you a little more.

Missing your own baby’s birth.

Missing your own baby’s birth.

Possible trigger…I missed my own child’s birth, yes he came from inside of me but I missed it. I’m not being dramatic or anything like that but I was put to sleep so I missed my own child’s birth. Something I will never get over. A bit of back story…

When I was pregnant I didn’t feel my baby move much. He would have quiet days and I’d be constantly up hospital. It wasn’t until I was 35 weeks pregnant when they decided to give me a scan and locate that the baby was breech. I had a appointment to have something called a turn of the baby inside of me which didn’t work and was the worse pain of my life. So I had no choice but to have a c-section because of how the gremlin was laying. 3 weeks later would be the day he would be born and I would become a mother when I was booked in for surgery. On the day I remember being exhausted from excitement but also I had spent weeks feeling something would go wrong. I was right.

Being prepped for surgery was eventful the staff put a massive ass cannula in me after several attempts and wheeled me in to theatre. I remember thinking the theatre looked a bit boring and like a normal room. The theatres I had worked in had no windows and no outdated machinery. None the less I sat on the bed. I was told not to move while a massive needle was inserted into my back. They do not tell you how much this will hurt. I don’t think the trainee got the placement right to this day. I layed on the bed and meds given to send my body to sleep below the stomach. Although I couldn’t move my legs I could still feel my stomach. They rubbed ice on my tummy and they used needles to feel for pain. I alerted them several times I could still feel the cold of the ice and the prick of the needles. Surgeons being surgeons kind of ignored me. My husband was a bit worried for me when I looked scared as anything holding his hand with wires attached to me everywhere getting in the way.

Then they cut me. I can still remember now the screaming as I felt it. They knew immediately something was not right and that the medication had not worked. I was to miss my own childs birth because it was too late to try putting the needles back in my back as I was open on the table. My husband was pulled from the room and I remember the mask being lifted on to my face and loosing consciousness . I missed my child being born and others met and held my child before me.

I remember coming round. I remember coming round by choking for air as I had a saw throat from the breathing equipment inserted into my airways which had been taken out and then shivering with pain as my stomach was in unbearable pain from surgery and coughing was pulling at it. I was given water and woke up alone. Without my baby. I remembered that I had been pregnant but I thought it was a dream. I thought I had been in a terrible car accident and that I was not really pregnant. The drugs where so strong I didn’t realise my son had been brought in the room to meet me and told my husband it wasn’t the time to bring in blankets. Then it came back to me when I was brought down to my room and I started to come round more. I met my son but at first I didn’t have that immediate rush of love. How was I supposed to know he was really mine? I remember thinking he was too beautiful to be mine. I remember feeling robbed and I think it caused me to struggle to accept I was a mother because I had missed the birth. After drugs had worn it and time had passed my love started to grow and I could see bits of me and his dad in him as I stared down into his eyes.

I’m always jealous now of mothers who witnessed their birth. I’m always sad when people say they had traumatic births and still got to see their baby born and that love that comes with it. I’m not downplaying others emotions or their experiences because I like to think if I was in that situation I would struggle to but I always find it so hard to see others not feeling lucky they witnessed their own children’s births. To see other people’s reactions when the baby comes out. To hear the first cry. To share the first touch, to see them first. Instead wait a hour to meet him and my mum and husband had seen him and changed him, had held him and loved him first. Maybe one day I’ll get over it but for now it’s still fresh and I still long for seeing that moment when he was born. When people say to have a section is the easy way out I want to scream in their face because it’s not. The feeling of not seeing your baby born and struggling to bond as they are born in a unnatural way to not be able to move to hold them straight away and to be in pain for weeks/ months even years after isn’t and never will be the easy way.