Since November i had to take anti-depressants after hitting a really rough patch. I found that they helped me a great deal until i could do something about my thinking process which came in the form of counselling. I started counselling in December and have been going weekly since January. It really has been the break through i needed. I needed the safe space to talk, to let all my emotions out and to truly feel somewhere where the pain was controlled. I’ve been able to talk in counselling and talk to myself in a way and work out things in my head. I can process thoughts better and not take everything said to me to mean offence. I’ve been able to think about why others work and act a certain way and understand why others may treat me badly. I’ve learnt to not get so upset by many things and walk away from situations that may upset me. I have learnt to say no and that i am in control of what i do, what i say and my life. I
have learnt that i matter as much as everyone else and that not everyone will like you sometimes. But that is okay. I’ve learn’t its okay to talk about my mental health and it is not attention seeking but being honest to both myself and to the world in the hope that others can find that courage too. I’ve learned i am a good wife and mother and that i may not always think that but i am loved. I have learn’t how lucky i am to have such a lovely friendship circle and that they also love me too.
I have been of my anti depressants for a whole month. I spoke to my doctor first and she agreed that i sound and look better than ever. She said i seem a lot more relaxed and happy. The truth is i think that i am… Happy. I just don’t think I’ve been this happy in so long that i have forgotten what that emotion is. Of course if things change i will happily ask for another set of pills but for now i’m me again. I see the beauty in the world again and smile that little bit more, i step out of my comfort zone and am rewarded with joy.
Thanks for reading x
To many it would seem I was a loner in a cafe by myself. It would look like I was waiting for someone or I have no friends, but that wasn’t the case. I was quite simply being brave. I’m quite socially anxious when out on my own. Especially since having a child, walking through town with Elijahs become somewhat my security blanket. Even though I would sit in a cafe with Elijah being alone is something that scares me quite a bit. The anxiety that people are staring and judging is just a bit too much for me. I hate waiting for people on my own in public let alone being on my own and I actively avoid going out on my own.
On Friday after counselling I did something I would never normally do, I went to a cafe on my own. I ordered a drink and cake and didn’t rush myself. I sat there and just relaxed into my own company. I felt anxious at first walking in and sitting alone but I soon got to grips with the fact nobody cared and quite enjoyed myself. Small steps are big steps and one day I hope my anxiety will go but for now I’m trying little things to make myself a bit more happy.
You probably would never think some people suffer with being around others and in public. Having social anxiety has so many times effected my life and always will to a extent.
Social anxiety is when people are somewhat scared and anxious about being in a social setting. It’s when they’re nervous about being in new groups of socialising atall. It can be something like eating in a restaurant or even taking a phone call that can trigger you. Something I’ve found is when I am having a struggle with my mental health I do struggle with wanting to go out and socialise. I’ve found it became impossible towards the end of my job to not be anxious to go in and gave to be a caring person when I didn’t want to talk to strangers.I struggle to talk on the phone to others and ask people for help in situations such as locating something in a shop.
Things like talking to random people on the bus who strike up a conversation can sometimes cause me a element of anxiety too also. One thing I always have struggled with is walking through town I may act to world I’m not anxious but I get incredibly anxious in crowds. I act like I’m not bothered but sometimes I get stressed by too many people in my personal space and also feel like perhaps I’m being judged for how I look or something silly like that. Anxiety loves to make you think other people give a crap about you and what you look like.
I struggle sometimes to see groups of people so prefer to see friends one on one because it’s less stress and I don’t get so worked up when I’m not heard when I speak. I quite often get anxious in public settings so feel more comfortable in my home. It has affected my ability to receive help sometimes as I won’t go to group therapy’s as the thought of being in a group by myself talking about my feelings makes me feel quite unwell. I can’t go to group activity’s with strangers as I am not comfortable talking to others and feel I come of weird. It’s stoped me going to play groups quite often and was really hard for me to commit to the full course of hypnobirthing.
Sometimes I find it harder when it’s being a parent and taking your child out. When I take Elijah out and he tantrums and others stare it always makes me feel horrid and like I’m the worlds worst mother. I always care about what these strangers I’ll never see again will think of me and my skills as a mother.
Sometimes the world can be a bit of a grey place but I will always try to overcome it and not let the world take over my life. Sometimes i have to push myself to feel more comfortable. There have been times I’ve stayed in for weeks and in reality it’s made me feel horrid but going out regardless of the anxiety of being social and around other humans has in the long run been better for me. Sometimes doing things that scare us can be the things that help us most.