Since starting counselling I’ve really been able to find myself and explore bits of myself I’ve hidden away. While I experienced physical abuse as a child from other people around me I also experience emotional abuse. I think in the long run the physical abuse was easier than the emotional.
Once apon a time I was happy, in my childhood. As all children are they’re full of innocence and have a fun loving attitude to the world. But children are also sponges. I soaked up everyone’s negative energy, negative comments and abusive words. It slowly twisted around and moulded me into who I am today. Someone who is afraid to upset anyone, someone who gets hurt to easily, someone who takes everything possible to offence and someone who is afraid to let someone in and ruins relationships with others through this.
Little things count as child abuse/emotional abuse. I don’t think people really understand what they are doing is going to upset someone and cause hurt in the long run. It’s tho he like apologising for behaviour that can help someone move on from this. Emotional abuse is the act of saying or doing things to upset someone on purpose. To say comments or minipulate someone so that their feelings are hurt or to get something someone wants. With me I was bullied quite a lot. I was called weird a lot in school. I was WEIRD because I was trying to be happy all the time so people couldn’t see my sadness. I was WEIRD because I was worried about others opinions on me all the time and i was trying to be liked. I had comments made on my appearance and my style. In the long term it’s caused me to be self conscious and worried about my looks constantly in everything. Comments said to me in my teenage years really got to me when told “you’re so ugly”, “you’re so spotty nobody will like you, you ugly freak”. I was called Rudolph for years when my rosacea was at its worse and my nose was constantly bright red and swollen which made me not want to look in mirrors or leave the house.
I think a lot of my issues with trust have come from not being able to trust anyone. constantly being shouted at and having constant personal comments have made me somewhat scared to have human interaction. If I’m in any sort of situation of arguement or something like that I basically have a panic attack and have anxiety attacks for days loosing sleep constantly replalaying situations in my head. I worry why people don’t like me and if I’ll upset someone with everything I do. I’ve also started to care of people don’t like me and it cripples me when people don’t and I try my hardest to please. I’ve made cakes for people, brought gifts for people, I’ve tried to use presents to buy people’s love and affection. I struggle to make friends and trust people. I struggle to keep friends too as I worry someone will hurt me again. I worry I’ll be abandoned by family and friends all the time and it causes me to hate any form of confrontation or negativity. I put up with people negative attitudes and emotional abuse even now because I’m so afraid of loosing people and upsetting someone by not putting up with it.
The good thing about counselling has been that I’ve been able to accept what’s happening around me and that this behaviour isn’t normal. I’ve started calling people out on things that upset me so I don’t allow myself to be hurt as much and so people can understand that this behaviour is not okay. I’ve started to retaliate when people say horrid things to me and say them back. Why should I just sit there and take it when I’m not the one in the wrong? I’ve accepted not everyone is going to like you and that is okay. You can’t buy love and that’s okay too. I’ve learnt that trust is my biggest issue and that everything comes back to trust. I have built up walls that are very hard to get down and it’s not others fault that I don’t let them in. Being mistreated is not okay and it’s okay to have feelings about it.
It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel sad/hurt by negative emotions and words towards you.
The way I’ve been treated all my life has allowed me to be a better parent. I try to bring my son up as much as I can. I praise him all the time and constantly tell him how loved and good he is. I don’t scream at him when he’s being bad or get personal when he is being bad. I don’t hold on to anger towards him and move on from stress and negative feelings for the best of both of us. I explain bad behaviour is not okay and why. I tell him that I understand why he feels a certain way and that it is okay but there are ways to deal with it. I give him a lot more of my attention and don’t make him feel he has to earn it. I teach him to play nicely with other children and call him AND other children up if they are being unkind or hurtful to someone else. I don’t allow others to get him down too and try to limit contact with people who are negative for him to be around or make him upset or feel unwanted such as people not wanting to see him when repeatedly asked. I call people out when they are perhaps being hurtful and saying things that aren’t right that might hurt Elijahs feelings or teach him to hurt others. Things such as older family talking about race and culture I cut them off and explain infront of Elijah that race isn’t a thing that matters and that we love everyone.
At the end of the day we’re human and we are wired to feel so strongly so when things are said. Negative attitudes projected on you constantly and aggression towards you lingers in the back of your mind when situations get tense it is completely normal to feel bad. We also need to take responsibility and not project our negativity on others and apologise why we do. We can find people are more understanding why you are and behave a certain way, you’re not asking for sympathy but understanding that you take your time letting people in and they will never fully be let in. You are also okay to say you are upset and need time to yourself. You can have a break from people and negativity. It is not selfish and it doesn’t matter who it is. You are the most important person in the world as you are living your life not body else. You only live one life so take care of you and then you can take care of others.
Remember to always to be kind. You never know what your negativity can do someone in the long run. Apologise when you do wrong and love with all your heart but only who deserves it!