Managing my health anxiety

Managing my health anxiety

Since having my son i have really been triggered by health anxiety. Before having him i didn’t have any health anxiety at all. Until i had a traumatic birth i didn’t have any concerns over my health or anyone around me really. They say traumatic events can cause certain fears and it certainly has caused this.

What is health anxiety? Basically its a catastrophic thinking but relating to health. It’s like if you have a temperature you worry your gonna get sepsis and then you’re going to die. When quite frankly you just have a temperature from the cold you’re suffering or something like that. You really worry and get anxious whenever your ill and think of all the possibilities that can happen. Google becomes your best friend and you think the worst out of every situation

When my son was born and he was ill it caused me to be petrified whenever he was ill. I worried every time he got a cold, a rash, threw up or even had a funny bowel movement. As he got older and got ill more i would panic and think the worst. I knew i was being anxious and desperately wanted to not worry so much but i couldn’t stop it. On the odd occasion that Elijah was seriously ill which resulted in admissions to hospital would always get panicky thinking the absolute worse and wrap him in cotton wool for days after. It would cause my ocd to be excessive i’d constantly be anxious and on edge and terribly sensitive to anything and everyone.

Since starting my counselling i have been able to learn a lot about myself and that the traumatic birth caused this. When i was having my c-section i was terrified i was going to die. Since i came round i have been a little petrified i will die. This has caused me to be anxious over and over when ill and it doesn’t help having a chronic illness. Also because Elijah was so ill when born and they have never found a real reason why he was ill it really caused me to be anxious about his health because i was so worried he would die or end up in hospital again. Over time i have been able to rationalise in my head when illnesses aren’t significant and just minor. Talking about why i have felt so anxious about my health has caused a lot of unresolved feelings to come out and for me to be about to explore why i have felt the way i have. I still worry when Elijah hurts himself or is quite unwell but i don’t worry as much anymore. I have been able to rationalise and think things through clearer as well as my anxiety has come down a bit with the help of counselling. I’ve been practising mindfulness and avoiding negative things in my life and that has been able to help me keep a clear and level head.

Overall i am so proud of how far i have come and if you’re feeling the same level of anxiety as i was please speak to someone it can be just the push you need to feel a bit more normal again.

Goodbye to anti-depressants

Goodbye to anti-depressants

Since November i had to take anti-depressants after hitting a really rough patch. I found that they helped me a great deal until i could do something about my thinking process which came in the form of counselling. I started counselling in December and have been going weekly since January. It really has been the break through i needed. I needed the safe space to talk, to let all my emotions out and to truly feel somewhere where the pain was controlled. I’ve been able to talk in counselling and talk to myself in a way and work out things in my head. I can process thoughts better and not take everything said to me to mean offence. I’ve been able to think about why others work and act a certain way and understand why others may treat me badly. I’ve learnt to not get so upset by many things and walk away from situations that may upset me. I have learnt to say no and that i am in control of what i do, what i say and my life. I

have learnt that i matter as much as everyone else and that not everyone will like you sometimes. But that is okay. I’ve learn’t its okay to talk about my mental health and it is not attention seeking but being honest to both myself and to the world in the hope that others can find that courage too. I’ve learned i am a good wife and mother and that i may not always think that but i am loved. I have learn’t how lucky i am to have such a lovely friendship circle and that they also love me too.

I have been of my anti depressants for a whole month. I spoke to my doctor first and she agreed that i sound and look better than ever. She said i seem a lot more relaxed and happy. The truth is i think that i am… Happy. I just don’t think I’ve been this happy in so long that i have forgotten what that emotion is. Of course if things change i will happily ask for another set of pills but for now i’m me again. I see the beauty in the world again and smile that little bit more, i step out of my comfort zone and am rewarded with joy.

Thanks for reading x

Getting over my fear of trains and tubes

Getting over my fear of trains and tubes

This is a bit of a weird one because technically i am not really afraid of trains anymore! But i thought i should write a little something on it just in case it might help someone else.

Any how my fear all started after a member of my family died on a tube. Not in a normal way at all but in the 7/7 terrorist attacks. After then i got really funny about being on public transport especially trains and tubes. I wouldn’t even go on one for years. Eventually id go with my mum to London for day trips but i would feel like crying on them and was scared. I was to young to realise i was having panic attacks.

I think as the years went on the more i went the safer i felt but i would never go alone and relie on whoever was with me at the time to keep me safe and know where we going. It wasn’t until i was about 17 when i got on a train by myself for the first time. This was because the guy i was seeing lived a train journey away so i would have to get used to getting on a train alone sometimes. The first time i had a full on panic attack and cried at the platform. The thought of something happening or getting wrong train or something like that made me sick with worry. Luckily a train conductor calmed me down and walked me to my train. While on the train i was very anxious and unsettled the whole journey, the only thing that made me calm was watching outside the window and seeing the country side. When i got there i was relieved and felt proud. The ride home felt better and after time it felt better. I tried to keep using the train as much as i could to get over my fear and it worked. However trips to London still made me incredibly anxious and using a tube. Now however after using them so often i have started to feel calmer on them. I do feel anxious getting the correct tube and when it’s busy and stops but counting in my head to ten an closing my eyes has helped. I try to go weekdays too so it’s not so busy and avoid rush hour.

So my advice to you is to try and keep trying it as it will get better with time. To try to distract yourself with things like reading or looking our a window. To take someone with out who may be able to help you keep calm. To organise your time and day going, also look into journey, times and where to board.Ask for help if you need it.Practice breathing exercises when feeling stressed. Most of all remember you will be okay and its worth the journey!

Today I felt like a bad mum.

Today I felt like a bad mum.

Elijah is currently in that testing boundaries stage. He’s learning what is acceptable and what is not. Today he’s been arguing with me constantly and speaking to me like rubbish. It’s very hard to ignore when he’s being so naughty especially just because he has friends over or because he just doesn’t want to do anything. there has been a lot of him raising his voice and screaming and counting me down when I’m trying to tell him of. The most annoying has to be the sarcasm and the ignoring of me or telling me no in response. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this because his facial expressions or sometimes immediately apologises.

However I felt like a bit of a bad mum when Elijah decided to scream his head off in the middle of a shop today and try to pull all the tins down and laugh about it. It was hard not to take it personally when he screamed and shouted at me all day like I’d done something wrong to cause this awful mood towards me. It was hard not to feel embarrassed when Elijah refused to walk and decided laying on the pavement was better despite my telling and pleading. It was hard to not raise my voice when he found appropriate throw all his toys at me and against things.

I find it really hard sometimes to not take his mood seriously. Obviously I know he loves me and doesn’t mean to upset me but I think when you’re so close to someone and spend every waking minute of his day with him it is more than possible to take it personally. If it was an adult treating you this way you would feel quite hurt and angry. I’ve started to tell Elijah now that he has upset me when he is being naughty. I tell him if things he says or does is unkind and that I am upset by his behaviour. Normally this will make him apologise as I would apologise to him if I was rude or upset him. Sometimes I feel mean when I tell him of so often but I think it’s important to teach children boundaries when they start pushing them so that they learn what’s acceptable and not at a age where they can understand and it becomes their behaviour.

I know in reality its a stage and it’s not forever but it doesn’t half feel like forever. I just have to remember to focus on the positives and enjoy the lovely moments while they last! I know in reality i’m not a bad mother but i can’t help feeling like i am. Here’s to a positive tomorrow!

(ps… I wrote this a few days ago and his behaviour has been better today and yesterday! I was able to relax a bit and understand his behaviours and enjoy being a mum a bit more!)

Why I’ve decided to block news reports and tabloids from my timeline.

Why I’ve decided to block news reports and tabloids from my timeline.

Following the very recent spades of deaths of celebrities due to suicide from the news i have really come to notice just how toxic the news can be. They take joy from causing and reporting on others sorrows. They go beyond what is acceptable in taking every last bit of privacy from someone and pulling everything about them and their character apart. The worst thing is what are people achieving reading these articles? A closer look into someones private life? To pass unsolicited judgement? To knowingly cause pain and humiliation? There really is nothing to gain from glorified gossip.

The worst thing recently has been noticing just horrid strangers can be because they are hiding behind a computer screen. The blame doesn’t all lie with the tabloid/press but the public. When they publish articles on social media there is ALWAYS a comment section. The comment section is a disgusting place where people become vile horrible people because they are saying things from behind a screen or even on a fake profile. You can really see how horrible the world is when these comments are littered with judgement, racism, sexism and everything else vile that the world runs on.

Take the Meghan Markle situation for example. A woman (already rich and famous) fell in love with a prince like a true fairy tale. She gave up everything which made her who she was to marry him. She devoted her love and kindness to the country and in response was treated like dirt. Why? Nobody really knows. Whereas Kate, also a commoner is praised like a god. The press have ripped every single little shred of detail about her life and aired it for everyone to see. They have changed public opinion on her and have allowed repeated hate speech and influenced peoples opinions. They have aired and given time to her family to humiliate and deeply hurt her when she herself made the decision to cut them of due to their toxicity. This has allowed the public to know her dark secrets, to form a opinion she is this cold person when she is such a giving woman who devotes time and HER own money and time to charity. The way the press has hounded her has caused her to leave the country. But even this is not enough as this morning i saw the press and public ripping her apart for wearing a eco friendly coat because it was expensive.Again nobodies business but their own.

I feel the press can be a brilliant thing it can update you on the news and controlled happy stories can really be a nice read. However recently its just became a place for trolls to gather and spread their hate. So for now i will be taking a break from reading the news because other peoples business is not my own. I don’t want to judge others lives or get upset with other peoples opinions on others. I have noticed since i haven’t had news on my timeline i am no longer concerned with other peoples dramas and just only aware of what is going on with people i want to know and their happy news instead of the darkness of the web. Always think before you like, retweet and comment. Spread kindness not hate.

Emotional abuse does effect someone in the long run.

Emotional abuse does effect someone in the long run.

Since starting counselling I’ve really been able to find myself and explore bits of myself I’ve hidden away. While I experienced physical abuse as a child from other people around me I also experience emotional abuse. I think in the long run the physical abuse was easier than the emotional.

Once apon a time I was happy, in my childhood. As all children are they’re full of innocence and have a fun loving attitude to the world. But children are also sponges. I soaked up everyone’s negative energy, negative comments and abusive words. It slowly twisted around and moulded me into who I am today. Someone who is afraid to upset anyone, someone who gets hurt to easily, someone who takes everything possible to offence and someone who is afraid to let someone in and ruins relationships with others through this.

Little things count as child abuse/emotional abuse. I don’t think people really understand what they are doing is going to upset someone and cause hurt in the long run. It’s tho he like apologising for behaviour that can help someone move on from this. Emotional abuse is the act of saying or doing things to upset someone on purpose. To say comments or minipulate someone so that their feelings are hurt or to get something someone wants. With me I was bullied quite a lot. I was called weird a lot in school. I was WEIRD because I was trying to be happy all the time so people couldn’t see my sadness. I was WEIRD because I was worried about others opinions on me all the time and i was trying to be liked. I had comments made on my appearance and my style. In the long term it’s caused me to be self conscious and worried about my looks constantly in everything. Comments said to me in my teenage years really got to me when told “you’re so ugly”, “you’re so spotty nobody will like you, you ugly freak”. I was called Rudolph for years when my rosacea was at its worse and my nose was constantly bright red and swollen which made me not want to look in mirrors or leave the house.

I think a lot of my issues with trust have come from not being able to trust anyone. constantly being shouted at and having constant personal comments have made me somewhat scared to have human interaction. If I’m in any sort of situation of arguement or something like that I basically have a panic attack and have anxiety attacks for days loosing sleep constantly replalaying situations in my head. I worry why people don’t like me and if I’ll upset someone with everything I do. I’ve also started to care of people don’t like me and it cripples me when people don’t and I try my hardest to please. I’ve made cakes for people, brought gifts for people, I’ve tried to use presents to buy people’s love and affection. I struggle to make friends and trust people. I struggle to keep friends too as I worry someone will hurt me again. I worry I’ll be abandoned by family and friends all the time and it causes me to hate any form of confrontation or negativity. I put up with people negative attitudes and emotional abuse even now because I’m so afraid of loosing people and upsetting someone by not putting up with it.

The good thing about counselling has been that I’ve been able to accept what’s happening around me and that this behaviour isn’t normal. I’ve started calling people out on things that upset me so I don’t allow myself to be hurt as much and so people can understand that this behaviour is not okay. I’ve started to retaliate when people say horrid things to me and say them back. Why should I just sit there and take it when I’m not the one in the wrong? I’ve accepted not everyone is going to like you and that is okay. You can’t buy love and that’s okay too. I’ve learnt that trust is my biggest issue and that everything comes back to trust. I have built up walls that are very hard to get down and it’s not others fault that I don’t let them in. Being mistreated is not okay and it’s okay to have feelings about it.

It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel sad/hurt by negative emotions and words towards you.

The way I’ve been treated all my life has allowed me to be a better parent. I try to bring my son up as much as I can. I praise him all the time and constantly tell him how loved and good he is. I don’t scream at him when he’s being bad or get personal when he is being bad. I don’t hold on to anger towards him and move on from stress and negative feelings for the best of both of us. I explain bad behaviour is not okay and why. I tell him that I understand why he feels a certain way and that it is okay but there are ways to deal with it. I give him a lot more of my attention and don’t make him feel he has to earn it. I teach him to play nicely with other children and call him AND other children up if they are being unkind or hurtful to someone else. I don’t allow others to get him down too and try to limit contact with people who are negative for him to be around or make him upset or feel unwanted such as people not wanting to see him when repeatedly asked. I call people out when they are perhaps being hurtful and saying things that aren’t right that might hurt Elijahs feelings or teach him to hurt others. Things such as older family talking about race and culture I cut them off and explain infront of Elijah that race isn’t a thing that matters and that we love everyone.

At the end of the day we’re human and we are wired to feel so strongly so when things are said. Negative attitudes projected on you constantly and aggression towards you lingers in the back of your mind when situations get tense it is completely normal to feel bad. We also need to take responsibility and not project our negativity on others and apologise why we do. We can find people are more understanding why you are and behave a certain way, you’re not asking for sympathy but understanding that you take your time letting people in and they will never fully be let in. You are also okay to say you are upset and need time to yourself. You can have a break from people and negativity. It is not selfish and it doesn’t matter who it is. You are the most important person in the world as you are living your life not body else. You only live one life so take care of you and then you can take care of others.

Remember to always to be kind. You never know what your negativity can do someone in the long run. Apologise when you do wrong and love with all your heart but only who deserves it!

What we get up to at the weekend

What we get up to at the weekend

It’s no secret that my favourite time of the week is Friday evening when the weekend starts. It means James has finished for the weekend and we get two whole days together as a family. There’s nothing I enjoy more. We’re always trying to make memories while also remembering resting and spending time together is important too.

Our weekend starts with a coffee from the other person made as we roll out of bed. On a Saturday I or James will have a lay in and on a Sunday we swap and the other person does. I say lay in but we always wake for about 9 am now. The other gets up with Elijah to give him breakfast and play with him. We normally then decide what we’ll do for the day if we haven’t already. We’ll decide somewhere family friendly to go and almost always will eat lunch out. If we go for a walk we have lunch after or before or if we go for a trip to town we will wind up at food at some point too. We quite often go for walks though and decide where on the day. For a treat we will often take Elijah for a day at soft play, to a museum or to the zoo. We normally do this on a Saturday.

After we’ve done our day plans we will normally come home for the evening shove on some pjs and watch something then have a small meal together before putting Elijah to bed and watching a film or series. Or we go too see family for tea and relax round there’s before returning to put Elijah to bed. On a Sunday we like to normally keep this as our chill day. Sometimes we’ll go for a walk or to the shops for something but mainly we like to relax. We get the housework deep cleaning done while Elijahs asleep for a nap. Things like washing, mopping, dusting, polishing, de scaling and scrubbing of rooms if I haven’t done it already. We spend the rest of the day cuddling up watching films, Playing with Elijah and doing some sort of arts or craft. We’ll do painting or do play dough or sometimes baking. We try to do a family activity as much as we can so we have real family time. Sometimes we will invite family or friends over but we normally like to cuddle up just the three of us.

We do like to try and do different things as much as possible so we go to different places for lunch, walks and more. We like to look out for events near us and look for different things in the area. We like to go to museums and to themed days and fates too. We often take strolls on the beach and end up on the amusements. We do love spending time together but also appreciate sometimes it’s nice to have our own time too. So sometimes I’ll go out with a friend or James will. Sometimes I’ll take Elijah out with me so James can have some time to himself. This happens very rarely though as we both agree we like to spend our weekends together and often go out weekdays instead with friends.

Looking forward to our next weekend where we are hoping to take Elijah to his favourite place the zoo! James has had too work the last two Saturdays so we’ve had to put of plans and relax more on sundays. What do you get up to at the weekend and have you got a set relaxation day too? What’s your favourite thing to do?!