Did I enjoy trying for a baby?

Did I enjoy trying for a baby?

We always knew we wanted a child together and when we decided to try we where both quite excited. We did all the normal things people do when trying to get pregnant. Stopped my pill, worked out and lost weight. Ate healthy and took some fertility helping pills. Tracked when to try and tried all we could.

But did I enjoy trying? In some respects yes. It was exciting knowing we were trying to make a child together which was part of both of us and something we both wanted. I was excited to get fat and grow something inside of me. I enjoyed knowing aswell it was a decision and if I was to be pregnant it wouldn’t be a accident and something we’d panic over it was something we would be excited over.

I didn’t like the failure that can come with trying. I think a part of me expected to get pregnant immediately. I didn’t like taking pregnancy tests and them being negatives. It made me worry there was something wrong with me and made me sad. I would remember talking about how if I felt sick or tired that maybe I was tired and we’d both smile and say must be pregnant and I’d take another test and it would say I wasn’t. I didn’t like hoping I was pregnant and somewhat thinking I was because I’d hope so much at times to then have to see the not pregnant on the stick or a period.

When I fell pregnant I was quite lucky as we’d only tried a little while. I remember I peed on a stick and I could see the faintest line. James told me he couldn’t see it but I could I just knew i was pregnant I felt different I myself in ways I can’t describe. I went to the shops and brought a clear blue digital test which I did later and it said not pregnant. I was heart broken but meant I could still go out drinking for my works do.I had two drinks and remembered thinking no I think I might be pregnant and stoped and felt horrid. Something in me just new and luckily I’d barely drunk. 2 days later I was due and no period. I took a test with my first pee of the day and a slightly faint line again. I called my mum as she was a midwife and she came with more pregnancy tests and we did 3 more. Within seconds they all came up clear as day. I was pregnant. And I had known all along. I was In shock and so was James as we’d convinced myself I wasn’t pregnant. March the 11th 2017 was the best day of my life when I knew I was pregnant.

This was how thin the original line was which I thought meant I was pregnant. I was correct!

I loved trying because we where in control and we knew early on. I didn’t like trying because of the negatives and the unreliability of some pregnancy tests at times. I didn’t like being hopeful and let down all the time but I adored when we where finally successful. My hats go off to people who try for years and sometimes need ivf. It must be such a horrible thing aswell when people are told they are infertile and require intervention or adoption if they are to have children. My heart goes to all your mummies that aren’t mummy’s yet trying your best.

Endometriosis and me.

Endometriosis and me.

What is endometriosis? Basically the lining of your uterus grows elsewhere in your body. It can fuse to your bowels and your bladder exetera. Every month when your period comes that lining everywhere sheds. You essentially internally bleed for several days. It causes unbearable pain, problems urinating/pooping, feeling sick, feeling weak, severe mood swings and exhaustion. It can cause heavy bleeding also which is highly debilitating when you’re filling heavy flow pads every two hours. It can also cause a painful sex life.

I am under gynaecology after countless trips to doctor and a and e with the pain (it’s so severe it can feel like appendicitis). Painkillers help but don’t always fully ease the symptoms. Since having a caesarean section I have a lump of tissue which has grown at my scar line which caused me a big deal of concern finding this bobbly lump. I’ve had numerous ultrasounds and blood work and abdominal and vaginal examinations. I’m currently waiting for my smear as mine had to be cancelled due to having to have my coil removed as a emergency in hospital it will of removed some of the cells. I’ve been put on waiting list for surgery to explore the degree and burn some off and I’m not sure if i want it. I’ve heard from a lot of people who suffer too that it has come back after the surgery and I don’t want more risky surgery for no reason.

It’s that time of the month again where my periods are late some months and I’ve spent the last week thinking I’m pregnant. I’ve come on overnight which is why I always wear pads when late or my poor white sheets would of been destroyed. Being young and having severe pain every month can be very depressing. It’s gotten worse since I have had my son and I worry about my fertility being taken away from me one day even if right now I’m choosing to not have another baby just yet. One thing I’m glad about stopping work is not having to spend a ten hour shift on a busy ward feeling like my stomachs being ripped apart with an ice-cream scoop. I’m exhausted drained and have no idea what to do.

Right now I’m taking my painkillers and trying to distract myself when in pain. I’ll be completely exhausted and sleepy all day for days (I bleed so heavily due to my Von williebrands and endometriosis I get anaemia each month). I have an appointment with gynaecology again before my smear test so hopefully they can help explain the positive of the surgery and you know how to deal with chronic pain for the rest of my pre-menopausal days. I guess it could always be worse but it could sure as hell be better.

Are you going to have another one?

Are you going to have another one?

The question every mother will get asked straight after ripping/or popping a giant watermelon sized child out of them. I think I was asked 3 days after I had Elijah and he was still very unwell at the time and the thought of me giving any attention to anything else than my son and thinking of having another child was complete madness to me. As he gets older more and more ask. Every time I see family I still get the are you having another one? Just do it now it’s easier when they’re younger! Oh go on! Elijah needs company he’s lonely! I know people never mean anything by it but it is ok to say no I don’t want another one (yet or maybe ever).

People should really think before asking this question. First of all that person could just not want any other kids and that’s their choice they should not be guilted into children they don’t want and could consequently the mother and children suffer because of this. Secondly they could be struggling with infertility, they could be trying everyday and this could really hurt them hearing these comments and feel like a failure. They could also have issues that could cause infertility and taking control by choosing not to try and the reminder makes them question whether they even could and loose that control. Thirdly sometimes people can’t afford it. People forget the cost of a child and when you throw another one in the mix you can’t treat the first one as much do things as much and sometimes you have to move to a bigger house too. Also people won’t typically watch two children at once so childcare will go out the window and your child may suffer from seeing people less because there’s a baby and unfair to the baby too.

Do I want another baby? At the moment I’m unsure. At the moment I think no. I want my son to enjoy being a baby and giving him my undivided attention. I missed out on so much went I sent him to nursery that I only have a good year before nursery starts part time, then full time then school. I want him to understand a brother or sister aswell I want him to be involved in the choice too. If we asked him if he wanted a brother or sister I’d listen to his view as much as I could because I remember being a only child going to one of three. No I do not resent my brothers for being born if that’s what you’re thinking. At the moment I’m scared I can’t have anymore either so I don’t want to try and be upset too as I suffer with endometriosis. I am petrified of having another csection and childbirth if not the case. I’m afraid of having two things to look after instead of one and I’m worried about all the fights they’ll have. For now it’s a no but I’m open to change in a few years. I definitely don’t think I would try until Elijah was in school because if want to give them both my time as much as possible not one more than the other but if it happened it happened I guess.