Goodbye to anti-depressants

Goodbye to anti-depressants

Since November i had to take anti-depressants after hitting a really rough patch. I found that they helped me a great deal until i could do something about my thinking process which came in the form of counselling. I started counselling in December and have been going weekly since January. It really has been the break through i needed. I needed the safe space to talk, to let all my emotions out and to truly feel somewhere where the pain was controlled. I’ve been able to talk in counselling and talk to myself in a way and work out things in my head. I can process thoughts better and not take everything said to me to mean offence. I’ve been able to think about why others work and act a certain way and understand why others may treat me badly. I’ve learnt to not get so upset by many things and walk away from situations that may upset me. I have learnt to say no and that i am in control of what i do, what i say and my life. I

have learnt that i matter as much as everyone else and that not everyone will like you sometimes. But that is okay. I’ve learn’t its okay to talk about my mental health and it is not attention seeking but being honest to both myself and to the world in the hope that others can find that courage too. I’ve learned i am a good wife and mother and that i may not always think that but i am loved. I have learn’t how lucky i am to have such a lovely friendship circle and that they also love me too.

I have been of my anti depressants for a whole month. I spoke to my doctor first and she agreed that i sound and look better than ever. She said i seem a lot more relaxed and happy. The truth is i think that i am… Happy. I just don’t think I’ve been this happy in so long that i have forgotten what that emotion is. Of course if things change i will happily ask for another set of pills but for now i’m me again. I see the beauty in the world again and smile that little bit more, i step out of my comfort zone and am rewarded with joy.

Thanks for reading x

Getting over my fear of trains and tubes

Getting over my fear of trains and tubes

This is a bit of a weird one because technically i am not really afraid of trains anymore! But i thought i should write a little something on it just in case it might help someone else.

Any how my fear all started after a member of my family died on a tube. Not in a normal way at all but in the 7/7 terrorist attacks. After then i got really funny about being on public transport especially trains and tubes. I wouldn’t even go on one for years. Eventually id go with my mum to London for day trips but i would feel like crying on them and was scared. I was to young to realise i was having panic attacks.

I think as the years went on the more i went the safer i felt but i would never go alone and relie on whoever was with me at the time to keep me safe and know where we going. It wasn’t until i was about 17 when i got on a train by myself for the first time. This was because the guy i was seeing lived a train journey away so i would have to get used to getting on a train alone sometimes. The first time i had a full on panic attack and cried at the platform. The thought of something happening or getting wrong train or something like that made me sick with worry. Luckily a train conductor calmed me down and walked me to my train. While on the train i was very anxious and unsettled the whole journey, the only thing that made me calm was watching outside the window and seeing the country side. When i got there i was relieved and felt proud. The ride home felt better and after time it felt better. I tried to keep using the train as much as i could to get over my fear and it worked. However trips to London still made me incredibly anxious and using a tube. Now however after using them so often i have started to feel calmer on them. I do feel anxious getting the correct tube and when it’s busy and stops but counting in my head to ten an closing my eyes has helped. I try to go weekdays too so it’s not so busy and avoid rush hour.

So my advice to you is to try and keep trying it as it will get better with time. To try to distract yourself with things like reading or looking our a window. To take someone with out who may be able to help you keep calm. To organise your time and day going, also look into journey, times and where to board.Ask for help if you need it.Practice breathing exercises when feeling stressed. Most of all remember you will be okay and its worth the journey!

Today I felt like a bad mum.

Today I felt like a bad mum.

Elijah is currently in that testing boundaries stage. He’s learning what is acceptable and what is not. Today he’s been arguing with me constantly and speaking to me like rubbish. It’s very hard to ignore when he’s being so naughty especially just because he has friends over or because he just doesn’t want to do anything. there has been a lot of him raising his voice and screaming and counting me down when I’m trying to tell him of. The most annoying has to be the sarcasm and the ignoring of me or telling me no in response. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this because his facial expressions or sometimes immediately apologises.

However I felt like a bit of a bad mum when Elijah decided to scream his head off in the middle of a shop today and try to pull all the tins down and laugh about it. It was hard not to take it personally when he screamed and shouted at me all day like I’d done something wrong to cause this awful mood towards me. It was hard not to feel embarrassed when Elijah refused to walk and decided laying on the pavement was better despite my telling and pleading. It was hard to not raise my voice when he found appropriate throw all his toys at me and against things.

I find it really hard sometimes to not take his mood seriously. Obviously I know he loves me and doesn’t mean to upset me but I think when you’re so close to someone and spend every waking minute of his day with him it is more than possible to take it personally. If it was an adult treating you this way you would feel quite hurt and angry. I’ve started to tell Elijah now that he has upset me when he is being naughty. I tell him if things he says or does is unkind and that I am upset by his behaviour. Normally this will make him apologise as I would apologise to him if I was rude or upset him. Sometimes I feel mean when I tell him of so often but I think it’s important to teach children boundaries when they start pushing them so that they learn what’s acceptable and not at a age where they can understand and it becomes their behaviour.

I know in reality its a stage and it’s not forever but it doesn’t half feel like forever. I just have to remember to focus on the positives and enjoy the lovely moments while they last! I know in reality i’m not a bad mother but i can’t help feeling like i am. Here’s to a positive tomorrow!

(ps… I wrote this a few days ago and his behaviour has been better today and yesterday! I was able to relax a bit and understand his behaviours and enjoy being a mum a bit more!)

Weekly counselling

Weekly counselling

It’s a bit weird thinking about all these things that just randomly come up. Things that have happened to me and I have buried to protect myself. I’m getting to know myself finally. I think I try so hard to protect myself that I don’t even know who I am. It’s been therapeutic being able to be somewhere I feel safe to talk to someone about my feelings and my past. Someone who doesn’t know me and cannot pass judgement. It’s odd how trauma attaches itself to your memory and gets tangled up in all past experiences and you don’t even know it.

I’ve gone from going every few weeks to weekly which I think has been quite a shift. A good shift non the less as I’m more trusting and I feel I have a better relationship with my counsellor. She has picked up one of the biggest issues I have is trust. Trusting people to let my guard down and trusting people not to abandon me or hurt me. So I think creating a better relationship by seeing each other more is helping me to open up more. Last week I was actually enthusiastic about going to counselling. When I first came in I barely spoke and felt uncomfortable but the more I’ve gone the more comes out and the better I feel after.

I feel a weight is lifted of my shoulders immediately and I am able to think a bit clearer every time. I’m able to understand why I feel a certain way about certain thinks and how I process situations. Personally I think my childhood has a very big input into my behaviour and thought process. I have spent so long thinking everyone hates me and that I’m the issue when i am not. I worry everyone I love will leave me and I think it’s made me scared and a bit bitter. I am slowly understanding how to deal with my emotions which has been great and I think I might even be able to come if my anti depressants soon. I’m starting to take more time for me and for my family and to voice my emotions instead of holding them in incase j upset someone. I’ve got a long way to go but I’m so proud I’ve stuck to it and kept too a weekly appointment even if childcare can be a struggle. I know I need this for me and will continue trying to make myself better however I can. I have another counselling session today and I’m feeling positive not scared and I never thought I would be here today feeling this good.

January birchbox

January birchbox

Today my birchbox arrived and I was very excited, not just because of the fact it arrived but because it was my birthday and it was like a unexpected present! Nothing beats a package of unexpected goodies! So let’s look inside!

So what was inside? First of all the box was beautiful it’s a collab with Rochelle Humes. You know the woman from the Saturdays and talent shows now. It’s a really pretty box and looks like a marble, rose gold design. I opened it up and the products inside where so pretty and quite varied. I got some conditioner which I love because I’m actually running out of conditioner so it’ll last me till my next shop and it’s something new to try! Next up I got a vasanti brighten up exfoliating. It’s something new to try and who doesn’t live a good facial exfoliate. It’s vegan and 99 percent natural which is better than tones of rubbish being used on your face! I also got a moisturiser by green frog botanic, I’ve already used some and it smells amazing, my skin is soft and a little goes a long way. I’ll be keeping this in my bag as perfect travel size. The most extorting product was my jade roller by Melusine. I’ve wanted one for years as I’ve heard good things about the power of crystals and how great it is for skin. So it’s saved me forgetting to buy one again whenever I see one in a store. Another little cute sample was my glow milk in just dew it. I got to choose this sample which has been great as I finally get a colour that matches my skin which I love. I can’t wait to use it and it is totally adorable. I am excited for next months!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Finally it’s somewhat acceptable to officially go into christmas overdrive. The glistening of fairy lights on a tree is something that for some reason brings a warm fuzzy feeling which melts my frozen heart. The time has come to decorate the house and cuddle up under the twinkling of the tinsel to watch films with a cup of hot chocolate.

The presents are wrapped, the tree is dressed and a bauble has already been broken. I am looking forward to this Christmas because Elijah is starting to understand what’s happening. He’s just celebrated his second birthday and is understanding the giving and opening of presents. He can open his presents well and understands there’s something in the sparkly little boxes. We’ve spent this morning looking at the Christmas tree and Elijah is very inquisitive about the tree and the baubles and remembered the ones he made. I’m looking forward to finally taking Elijah to meet Santa and getting to know the magic of Christmas. I’m looking forward to making Christmas cookies, doing more Christmas crafts and activity’s. I’m looking forward to days out and spending time as a family. I’m excited to create more traditions each year which one day Elijah might pass on to his children.

I love walking through the town at night under the beautiful Christmas lights and getting a festive hot drink. The town feels happier when Christmas is near and less scary in the dark lit up under a warm glow. This year I’m planning to stay home and enjoy being a family. We always go to others houses and although I love spending Christmas as part of big happy family I want to experience one where we can relax and take it at our own pace. Where people can come ours and relax. Where we can say when dinners on the table and not have to avoid drink all day due to James driving. A Christmas where we get to choose what to watch and relax all day. We’re looking forward to Elijah receiving his gifts and opening them slowly. I’m looking forward to perhaps taking Elijah to the park and rewarding it with a hot chocolate and a film. We will enjoy Elijah playing with his toys and getting to be a kid again. We will enjoy going to others houses and spending time with friends and family while giving the gifts you’ve put lots of thought and love into! I’m so excited for this Christmas so here’s to Christmas 2019 being everything we want it to be.

Anti-depressants can help.

Anti-depressants can help.

I’ve always had issues with antidepressants not working for me. I’ve been on so many now and the only thing they ever really did was make me tired and did nothing for my depression. After a really bad patch I went through recently I went to the doctors and asked for help. I straight away said I want nothing I’ve had before I want whatever I try to be a big dose so it actually helps me. There was only one thing I hadn’t tried which was fluoxetine.

I’ve been on them three weeks now and I’ve noticed a big difference. I’m not going to say it’s completely cured me but it is really helping me. I’m able to let go of bad thoughts. To rationalise with my self that I’m being anxious and think a lot more clearly. I don’t get so upset or hold on to things as long. My mood swings are less dramatic and I’m certainly feeling the black cloud leaving.

I’ve always been sceptical about whether they work or not but I feel now I’ve found the right one for me. They’re in no way a cure but if it can help me be a bit more rational in my thought process then it is so much more beneficial for me than not being on them. I think having a positive mindset and keeping busy and avoiding triggers has helped me too. I’ve decided to push back my surgery which may be stupid to some but it’s caused my depression to be so much stronger and until I’m done with counselling for my last surgery I don’t think I’d be able to have it done again without a whole lot of stress again (and all the physical symptoms that have came with it like reflux, headaches, delayed period and itchy skin).

I’m hoping to continue and see how it goes. I’ve got it on a repeat prescription now so I’m hoping the effects will be long term now. There is no shame in taking medication so if you’re struggling and feel like you may need it have a chat to your g.p.