Just because someone has it worse of then you doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings .

Just because someone has it worse of then you doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings .

We’ve all heard it before. You tell someone your feelings and someone’s immediate response is “someone always has it worse“. I am not arguing that people experiences are different on this planet and people do in fact have it worse. However…. they are not you. They are not living your life, someone else’s experiences being worse does not effect your emotions. You are entitled to your feelings as they are not living your life. Every emotion you have is valid. You do not need to see things in a light where things are worse and be positive. It is not healthy.

When your feeling sad you do not need to feel how others have it worse like you’re not aloud to complain. Of course you’re aloud to complain let it out! Keeping emotions in is hard and also more upsetting. Let it out. If you hear someone say but someone has it worth. Just day I understand that but this is my life and my feelings are valid.

Growing up I was always told someone had it worse. Normally compared to African children starving or children being abused at home. Which is a wildly different scenario to saying I’m upset about something. You’re not going to become a desensitised robot and feel instantly better because someone told you you should be grateful for not having things worse.

Our emotions are different to others. Some of us feel things way worse than others and that’s okay. It’s part of who we are, our personality. Never feel that your opinions and emotions are worth less than anyone else’s. If you need help or want to talk to someone don’t be afraid to! It is the most natural thing talking about our feelings and more people should be more willing to both share and listen.

As always I’m always here if anyone needs a chat. Charlie x

Guest post by @alifetwintastic- A new routine:

Guest post by @alifetwintastic- A new routine:

Ellie is a mum of three from Gloucestershire, UK. A wannabe perfect housewife, to-do list checker and mental health advocate with dreams of a healthy lifestyle, unburnt cookies and mini adventures. Find out more at alifetwintastic.blog here.

I’m usually all about the routine. It’s embedded into my DNA. The need for structure and organisation. To know what’s coming next and to feel a sense of control. Routine has served me well in the past {hello baby twins} but as with all things, life changes and routines adapt.

When the boys were babies I quickly realised in order for me to survive {mentally} I greatly needed some stability and control in the way of a routine. This worked to a certain extent and it got me through that seemingly impossible first year but not without sacrifice. I became highly set on our schedule, blinkers on and my anxiety at an all time high. I struggled to see past the next job on our list and became irritable and stressed when the routine was messed with {including snapping at my mum in the car one day when I was trying to get the boys to nap}. Having the boys in the same routine was my coping mechanism. Being a first time mum of twins and being naturally inclined to like control and structure caused a huge wrecking ball type effect.

It’s hard to admit it but those days were dark. Postnatal depression crept in. Not accepting any kind of help, feeling like a failure and distraught

With Penny I have always been more relaxed. Be it being a second time mum, a single baby or her generally chilled personality. I don’t know. Again probably all of these things. Penny’s start to life was anything but straightforward. Almost constant morning sickness throughout my pregnancy, a breech baby, emergency c-section, diagnosis of hip dysplasia and subsequent Pavlik harness and then CMPA. But these things didn’t phase me in the same way as they probably would have done the first time round. Don’t get me wrong it was hard. There were dark days but overall the whole experience was much more relaxed and enjoyable.

We have never had Penny in any kind of routine. She woke up when she liked, slept when she liked and fed on demand. She fitted in with our lives as younger siblings do. As a result we were all a lot calmer and relaxed. She made her own daily routine and adapted it when needed. I felt like I could read her better and knew what she needed. This is not to say things were easy. Another bout of postnatal depression hit but this time I was more accepting of it. I accepted help more readily and didn’t blame myself in the same way.

Fast forward to today and I still have a strong sense of routine {on paper} however my mindset has shifted in recent years. Be it an age thing, a family thing or personal growth – probably a mixture of a lot of things. The boys have just turned 5 and P is in full toddlergedon mode. We are in the midst of a National pandemic which has seen us basically locked up at home for the past 7 weeks.

This is a time of surviving and supporting. People are putting their health at risk to keep the majority of us safe. Routines have changed. For us it’s been a time of stepping back and slowing down. Time to spend with our little family and letting the days merge into one. No alarms set. No set bedtime. No real routine. There has still been work and homeschooling but everything seems to have slowed down and relaxed. Increased flexibility it will be hard to let go of when life gets back to normal. Different ways of connecting and supporting one another. Retreating into our bubble and taking time out from being constantly busy. A taste of what life could be. Maybe not all the time but certainly some of it. Time out. A new normal. A new routine. 

Ellie xx

www.alifetwintastic.blog Instagram: @alifetwintastic

www.alifetwintastic.blog Instagram: @alifetwintastic

How avoiding the news has helped me.

How avoiding the news has helped me.

So it’s been about a month since i stopped watching and reading the news. I deleted my personal twitter, disabled the news notifications on my phone and went out of my way to avoid listening and talking about the news. Why might you ask? Well in short Coronavirus.

I decided that watching the news all day and reading the news all day was causing me to get unnecessarily anxious. Why? Well if people only talk about death and what others are doing you are no doubt going to get yourself worried and in a bit of a situation where you are glued to your screen. I found that i was becoming increasingly more angry at the world and the people not following lock down rules. It was causing me to watch the news more and be more angry if i saw online someone was perhaps not following the news to the absolute t.

Of course there was the worry i’d miss something big but i realised i follow so many people on all sorts of platforms that if things really changed i’d see a news link on someones profile being shared and click on it. This is what i have been doing to educate myself on the virus and the new lock down guidelines as they change but to also not find myself watching that god awful press conference everyday where i want to pull my own hair out at the lack of leadership and confidence i have in the people running this country…

I have found since i have been avoiding the news that i am a lot more happier in ways, I don’t see as many sad stories. I don’t read about all the horrific crimes and incidents happening. I just read what i want to and that is less than a article a week and only if i have seen it a few times. The only press releases i’m excited for now is a local takeaway opening up again and i see that on pages i choose to follow. I have also noticed a abundance of trolls. It’s nice not looking at the news online and seeing horrid keyboard warriors pulling apart each other from the comfort of their sofas while they dunk their hobnobs in their teas and go about their day as normal. The amount of negativity i have cut out of my life from this change is amazing .

If i can recommend one thing to anyone it is that you try to remove as much of the news from your life as you can. Unfollow news pages such as your local news. Turn of notifications and listen to the radio instead of the morning news or programmes that talk about the news such as good morning Britain. Check once a day and then try cut it more. Read the news that you’ve seen a few times shared by peers as this means it may be important but other then that try to avoid it. If you feel you need to watch the news there are plenty of happy news channels out there too so get your fill of cute puppy instead!

Stay home, stay safe and as always i am here if you need me. Charlie x

Will my social anxiety ever be the same?

Will my social anxiety ever be the same?

I have already touched in previous blog posts about my anxiety and how it effects me in social situations. I touched upon how i always feel anxious around others and worry about being in groups. I also touched upon how i always feel others are watching everything i do even though i know deep down inside they clearly aren’t and wouldn’t care. But that was before the corona virus and now that anxiety has changed to a bit of survival instinct around others. Not only am i now concerned about others views of me and being around other people but now i worry about the current pandemic as well.

Being around others in public in situations where i’m social distancing (i.e exercising or shopping for essentials) has started to become a bit of a bother, Although there are easy rules to follow in the fact of social distancing in public i find that a lot of people ignore the rules and get too close for comfort. Its quite simple to keep your distance but runners want to get shoulder to shoulder and shoppers seem to want to barge through to get there cheese that bit quicker. The way the world has changed has been quite scary especially in supermarkets it causes a fair bit of anxiety. I find it feels like we’re in some sort of war with the virus and with everyone else.The changes to queuing and where you can and can’t go can be quite overwhelming. I also find the checkout the place where i am most anxious and have my panicky moments. The rush to load and unload your trolley while also having no choice but to touch dirty items just sends me into overdrive i worry about the person thinking i am taking too long, the Que behind me and the germs and i feel so overwhelmed the whole time till i’m out the store and can catch my breath. I find that i get quit anxious when people get a bit to close for comfort i get really hot and i feel a lot of pressure to run away to sanitise. My ocd seems to come back in the form i have to change shower and wash my clothes immediately after leaving the house too because someone may of coughed or breathed too near me.

After the lock down ends i wonder if i’ll always be in this state of anxiousness around big groups and being around strangers. Obviously for as long as corona virus is around i am sure i’l be sanitising till i’m red raw and avoiding being too close to anyone as much as possible. It causes a lot of questions. Will i be able to Que without getting hot and sweaty. Will i be able to shop without feeling like having a panic attack? Will i return to the doctors for medical issues that are non urgent but still need treating out of fear of infection? Will i feel comfortable travelling or going to shows with big crowds? Who knows. All i know the world has changed and as humans we have to adapt but for us anxiety suffers it really is hard accepting all this change. Especially the change in routine, Hopefully we can move forward soon and the lock down be eased slowly so that we can slowly ease ourselves into civilisation again!

As always here if you need anything, Charlie x

Finding out I have a neurological disorder:

Finding out I have a neurological disorder:

This is something I have been struggling to come to terms with and with my health anxiety at a high I tried as hard as I could not to research my disorder but I decided it was in my best interest to know what I’m battling. So basically, a few months ago I found out I have functional neurological disorder. It’s been quite upsetting to accept but I guess it’s a part of me now and something I just have to take in whether I want to or not.

How I found out I have functional neurological disorder:

To cut a long story short, I had INTENSE shoulder pain radiating from my arm to my chest. I put of going to the doctors due to trying to over come my health anxiety and i was sent to the doctors by counsellor who could see i was getting breathless from the pain. When i got there my arm had started to become numb and i thought it was just a seriously intense pulled muscle. They where worried and sent me immediately to the hospital. When i arrived i had numerous neurological work ups, bloods and x-rays and a ct scan. They believed i had a stroke but after the ct scan couldn’t pick up anything i was sent home with very strong painkillers and told to come back if it got no better. A few days later i lost function completely in the arm. I ignored it but then i got so much pain in my chest i had a asthma attack from struggling to breath. I called 111 where they where going to send a ambulance out again worrying i’d had a stroke. Instead we drove to a and e after waiting and cancelled the ambulance. After being in a and e again they did more extensive checks this time and after being poked and prodded by around 8 different people we came to a conclusion i needed more tests. The stroke team came down this time and could see i had lost function and worked out my reflexes are less down one side of body and on that side i couldn’t feel as much and was a lot weaker than my other side. I was sent for a MRI scan and sent to the stroke ward. They discovered after more testing that i have functional neurological disorder. I was discharged with not much information other then a website and a letter confirming to my doctor i have functional neurological disorder.

What is functional neurological disorder?

Basically suffers with functional neurological disorder have problems with their nervous systems functioning. It effects the signals by brain wants to send to my body parts. The body wants to communicate something and cannot. The messages get confused and this causes the body to be confused. The pain is real. The symptoms are real. The symptoms are very similar to those who are experiencing/have experienced a stroke and very similar to those suffering other neurological problems such as MS.

The symptoms of functional neurological disorder:

  • Non epileptic seizures.
  • numbness.
  • Inability to use a part of the body.
  • Conversion disorder.
  • Weak limbs.
  • Confusion.
  • Fatigue.
  • Paralysis.
  • Speech issues.
  • Numbness/ tingling feelings.
  • Pain.
  • Vision disturbance.
  • Tremors.
  • Spasms.
  • Irritable bowel and increased urination.

Causes of functional neurological disorder:

  • Childhood trauma.
  • Mental health issues.
  • Chronic pain (yay endometriosis).
  • Stress

Is there a cure?

In short no. Study’s have shown that Physiotherapy and counselling can help individuals but it is not completely effective. Pain relief can help but again does not cure and you could become addicted from taking pain killers to frequently.

Will I get worse?

At the moment I have no idea what will happen. Some days are better then others with the pain. I’m normally okay and then after some sort of stress or over working myself I’m in pain again. For now I try not to think of the future and think of today. I’m grateful for my family and friends and my health I have today. I won’t worry about the future until I’m firmly in it.

As always thanks for reading love Charlie x

Like a flower the sun helps my mental health

Like a flower the sun helps my mental health

It may be the fact it’s beginning to feel a bit more like summer and although we can’t sit in a beer garden or eat al fresco at a restaurant we can do it at home. We still are lucky enough to be able to go out for our one type of exercise a day if we wish too and that allows to enjoy some of nature’s absolutely glorious beauty for absolutely free!

Now it may be the fact that my body’s finally absorbing some of the vitamin d it so badly needs or just wanting to experience the outside world a bit more and spark my curiosity. But I feel a bit healthier. I feel a bit a bit more untuned into my body and my emotional needs. I feel when I need a break and sitting in the garden for a little bit can make me feel a lot better then sitting inside. I feel the sun helps more than the rain clouds and although I burn like bacon I enjoy being dry as a raisin as apposed to drowned like a rat. I’m enjoying the suns morning glow lighting my living room and bedroom each morning it feels a bit brighter and happier under the warm sun. It’s helping my heating/lighting bills and my soul.

I’m enjoying watching elijah running around playing around in the garden. I never thought we’d have a garden and here we are homeowners with a garden who would if thought! We enjoy running around after each other when we go for walks. I’ve always enjoyed photography so love to take photos of nature and of my family. It really helps me focus on the pretty things and takes my mind of the rubbish. I enjoy looking back on those photos and enjoying the beauty and memories brought back by them.

The days are longer with the sunshine and we don’t feel a need to go to bed earlier or rush to get inside from the garden at night. It feels nice to enjoy reading in the garden with natural light instead of slumped on the sofa under a lamp!

Although I still struggle with my mental health and still have days I feel so overwhelmed I do find the sunshine really does help me personally. It may not help everyone because it’s not a cure, it’ll never cure me. I’ll still be sad when the sun shines and sad when it rains but that’s life. Some days are better then others. But sometimes the sun does make me feel better when it hits me be it inside under a window or outside in the garden.

Do you think the sun helps you sometimes?

Health anxiety in a pandemic

Health anxiety in a pandemic

It never goes away health anxiety. You have a few good days then wham you’re back. Back in the loop of questioning every bodily function which can be completely normal but to you it’s like your body’s going to explode. Health anxiety as I’ve already touched on before in previous blog posts is basically thinking worse case scenario of every illness and feeling your body goes through. In a age of google we seem to think it’s our best friend when in fact it can be a dark, dark place. It’s simple google my symptoms and I’ll be assured? But what about when I google a headache and think I have a tumour or if I have a weird mole that it’s then cancer? How I’d explain health anxiety is being a catastrophic thinker on overdrive.

Over the last few months covid has been doing it’s rounds in the press and media and there is literally nothing you can do to not hear something about it. Unless your armish of course. With a complex list of symptoms completely similar to the common cold and hay fever it’s hard to not think a sniffle is the virus. With talks of death being amongst the most talked about thing in the virus I’ve come to accept that this is a deadly virus and it scares me to think about it.

A few months ago I had a numb arm and chest pain just as the corona virus had sort of had one or two cases in other countries to wuhan. I tried to not let my health anxiety get the best of me and go to a doctors appointment as for some reason I thought I’d be sent to hospital and I was worried about infection there. I took more painkillers and went to my counselling session and became really in pain so much so she cancelled the appointment and told me to go to the doctors. The doctors where very worried and sent me to hospital. While they’re I spent the whole time panicked I’d get corona virus and panicking. I santize to my hands where red raw. It was there I found out I have fnd which caused the symptoms and will return again and again. Coming out of hospital I felt so worried I’d get the virus again and was super scared to be around crowds exetera. I obviously didn’t have it but every time I felt warm or coughed that was it I had it.

After being in lockdown my health anxiety is still pretty high. I hate going out. If someone gets near me on a walk or something I want to rip my skin off and smack them with it and retreat home fast. Even though James and I have had no social contact in months I worry I’ve got it sporadically. Everytime I feel warm. Everytime my asthma is triggered by hay fever that’s it I’m dying.

The thing is with health anxiety is it doesn’t go away. When self isolating it still doesn’t make me stop worrying. Finding a new lump or mole means I have melanoma or lymphoma. Having a blurry eye day makes me think I’m going blind. Stomach pains or reflux from Ibs makes me think back to my endoscopy days and think right there’s defiantly cancer or Crohn’s disease forming in there. Now that I know I have fnd I still think am I having a heart attack or have I had a stroke even though I know it’s from this disease. Things don’t blur into the background but us anxiety suffers are trying to suppress our emotions, our need for reassurance from others because we worry about the pandemic and that we might be annoying someone. If we where to get seriously I’ll aswell would we want to go to hospital due to being deathly afraid of all the confirmed cases at them?

So if you like me suffer with health anxiety and struggle to think clearly during the pandemic know that you’re not alone. You’re okay. Your doing incredible to be stuck inside overthinking everything that’s going on with you and your body and the world. It’s okay to be scared to be around others and it’s okay to want personals space. Look after your physical and mental health.

As always my dms are always open!

How to support someone with depression.

How to support someone with depression.

Just because you see the world a certain way doesn’t mean everyone else has too. Some people see the world in a black and white way and some see the colour. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings and that’s okay. If I say I’m feeling down. I don’t need someone telling me all the positives of life right now and things I already know. Like I know I should be grateful I have a family, people have it worse and bla bla bla. I mean do people honestly think it’s helpful to try and tell people how to think?

Here’s a fun fact if you try to make someone feel a certain way they will probably go the opposite way. You can’t make someone feel happy by telling them to be. Medication isn’t a magic fix for depression and nor will it ever be.

When someone’s feeling down talk to them. Ask and VALIDATE their opinions. Don’t tell them what to do. Don’t ask about their medication. Because that’s gonna piss anyone off. All you need to do, to be a friend is listen. Not give advice. Just listen. Let someone moan to you. Do not make them feel guilty. Your issues are different to someone else’s and imagine if someone told you how to feel if you where feeling down and what to do because their opinions are different then yours.

There’s been so many times over my life where I’ve been told how to feel, to suck it up, someone has it worse. But you know what it doesn’t matter how someone else has it because they are not currently living your life. One thing I’ve learned from counselling is that I am entitled to feel down. I do not need to bury my emotions and if it helps to talk about them then that’s what I bloody well should do! When family or even friends say someone has it worse I now say the conversations over and I don’t care if someone has it worse my feelings are still valid.

Some people have different views than us on life. Someone who is depressed will see the world as doom and gloom and that’s okay. Instead of forcing positivity on them just ask how they’re feeling. Just listen and say I know that must be hard. Don’t try to compare to your feelings. Don’t try and tell them what to do because it doesn’t help. You can also be more than one person. You can be positive then depressed because as humans we can have this ability to be positive and then crash, hard.

You also don’t have to talk about their depression. You can just ask them what they’ve been up too, change the conversation. Talk about films and movies you’ve seen. Talk about anything else then there depression this helps take their minds of things. Depression needs a distraction the more your focus on it sometimes the worse it feels. Your friend is still in there. So continue to treat them as normal and as there friend be there for them. Hopefully you’ll never need to have them be there for you in the same case.

If you’re really concerned about someone or yourself you can contact many charity’s such as Samaritans exetera. As always my dms are always open. Stay safe, let’s get through this together.

Three more weeks of hell

Three more weeks of hell

The government is expected to put us in lockdown for 3 more weeks as I type this and I can’t imagine anything worse at the moment. Obviously protecting everyone is why we stay at home but I don’t know how much more I can take and why aren’t police and military stopping everyone leaving houses and roaming the streets all day to prevent the spread. I’ve had enough of looking out my window and it is completely packed on my normally quiet road. It’s full of groups going out and about people ignoring lockdown.Cars moving around all day, My neighbours in and out like yo-yos and children from different households playing in the street. I’m seeing people travel to family and friends households online and it’s really getting to me now. Do you think I stay home so you can swan about thinking you’re above the law and the virus? No. No I don’t.

My mental health has SEVERLY taken a steep jump of a cliff (perhaps Everest). Honestly me and my son are getting on each others nerves now and although I love him to pieces I don’t half need a break. Or a six month holiday. But I can’t even go and see friends and vent. I can’t cry to family and I can’t handle much more. We’ve been potty training so that’s been absolute hell but his behaviour is something else. I know obviously we are in the terrible twos but the people that act like it’s normal haven’t experience the terrible twos in isolation where you can’t take them out for a distraction. Where you can’t go see family and friends. Where you can’t have a date night or go out alone at times. I can’t go to my counselling sessions which I am really, really missing. I started to make such good progress and now I’m left wanting to sob on Fridays because I should be going to my sessions and feeling better each week but instead I’m feeling worse each and every week.

I have no idea how to get out of this funk. I don’t feel grateful for being a mother right now. I am so jealous of people who don’t have children some times that it physically hurts. I get asked by a friend have I seen this or done this? No I haven’t because my entire day is plagued with screaming and tantrums and trying to entertain him to avoid such events.y nights are spent so exhausted sometimes I just sit there in silence staring at a wall. I’m jealous of people who get to have lay ins and late nights, people who get to do what they want when they want and only have to clean up after themselves. I miss ever taking silence for granted and my freedom. I feel like i have a pressure here to say I love my kid. Because others might judge me but why should I care what others think. Of course I love my child and just because I’m having a bit of a complaint does not make me any worse of a mother than anyone else.

I miss my old life. I miss sitting in a grotty bingo hall ordering terrible chips that tastes awfull but I couldn’t help ordering it. I miss sitting in a restaurant and my food and drinks made for me. I miss no washing up. I miss going to soft play with friends and letting my kid run and run till he passed out asleep from exhaustion. I miss having people over and going to others for dinner. I miss seeing Elijah with his friends and his family having a laugh. I miss the shitty bus journeys. I miss trips to the supermarket and looking around. I miss dunelm and bnm shopping buying loads of cleaning products( which I now cannot buy anywhere). I miss shopping trips and not being judged on what I buy and when. I miss everything. I miss long days out and now everything’s pure hell.

Hopefully things change soon. I don’t know how I’m going to cope anymore I really don’t. I’m struggling. It’s like I’m not here anymore I’m just on auto pilot. I’m sick of it and I’m sick of being stuck on repeat. Stay the feck home and stop making everyone else’s life hell because you wanted to see family or you wanted to buy something non essential.

Being a parent in a pandemic

Being a parent in a pandemic

Good afternoon, i hope everyone is well today and feeling a bit more positive today. I am coming to you today from a more positive mindset then i was in last week which was me at a very low point. I was at a point in life i was struggling with both my mental and physical health and the lockdown did not help things atall. On a normal day parenting can be hard, but throw in lockdown, terrible twos and potty training to the mix and we are really struggling.

First of all i’d like to say i cannot praise my son enough for how well he has done with all of this. To be told you can’t see your friends, family or even leave the house must be such a horrible thing for a child to endure let alone if they’re too old to understand why they are stuck in. It seems everyday he asks to see his family and friends, i think it’s quite sweet because it shows he thinks about others and how much he loves them. We had a pretty active social life by anyone’s standards, we would be out everyday seeing friends and family or going or just as mother and son (or the three of us). We’d do different things all the time such as meals out at different places, go swimming, soft play, bowling, the zoo and to different parks. I think he struggles most with understanding that he can’t go for play dates at peoples houses or they come to play here.So i do feel horrid when we have to stay inside each day, infact i have major mum guilt that just won’t shift. I try so hard to come up with play ideas and to keep him in contact with friends that it physically drained me last week so much so that i didn’t want to try to come up with anything new and wanted to give up my creative side for a few days.

Obviously we still have all the same cleaning responsibilities around the house, in fact more. For some reason being locked in makes me feel i need to be productive and clean and organise the whole house in every nook and cranny. The issue with being a parent is you struggle to have time to clean or perhaps do some diy like everyone else seems to be able to do such as painting the whole house or doing something from scratch. I can’t say to my son entertain yourself i’m off to redecorate or to deep clean a different room then he’s in. It gets you a bit down watching others enjoy this time to be productive. Of course my house is always very clean but i feel there is more i could do. I did a big clean the other day and brought elijah in each room i cleaned (except bathroom and kitchen) and let elijah watch his tablet too entertain him and i felt so guilty for taking time to clean the house. Some positives of this have however been that my son has took more interest in cleaning and likes to help sweep, dust and wipe the surfaces down with me. He’ll even try his hand at mopping, hoovering,tidying his toys away and he even has started to make his bed. It’s good to teach him that houses don’t stay clean and we all must work together to keep it clean. Aswell my house does look a bit more tidier as I’m not out all the time and don’t find cooking and cleaning as much of a chore then I did before. Its enabled me to slow down and really appreciate my house, how we’ve decorated and who and what is inside of it.

It’s quite hard being on my own with elijah by myself everyday with nobody to talk too till james is home at teatime and weekends. It must be so hard for single parents in this lockdown my heart really does bleed for them and i have the upmost respect. I really struggle with feeling lonely in this time and I kind of spiral from that. I feel so alone, when i am not alone because my son is here but he is two, he cannot hold a conversation and has much better things to get on with like playing with his dinosaurs. I also feel a pressure not to let him know i feel sad and be upbeat which feels so fake and horrid but i want to make my son feel happy and safe in this scary world. The positives of this is we get to spend more time together just the two of us and I’m able to construct more learning through play as I have the time. We spend a lot more on the floor playing and try to keep busy the best we can. It’s nice that Elijah seems to be learning well and hopefully he won’t become shy when he leaves the house again.

We’ve started looking after our neighbours a bit more. I regularly ask my older neighbours if they need anything as they are being shielded. we’ve gone to fill there gas and electricity cards for them and shared our food and brought them bits from the shop. We’ve also ordered them a box of fruit, veg and dairy products to arrive Monday. It’s been quite nice as we’ve started talking to them more and getting to know them more. Luckily we can see them as our fence fell down but obviously it’s not getting done for a while now! It’s quite nice because she said she was feeling lonely because of it all and we’ve been chatting because her family can’t help either! We made them a card from Elijah as Elijahs starting to call them grandma because they have white hair! So we joked he’s adopted a set of grandparents. They even made us some delicious cheese and onion scones and we had them for our lunch today! It’s nice to feel like a community and everyone seems so much more friendly. Maybe it’s the missing of everyone’s family and friends that brings us together .

We’ve however sorted the garden mostly and that means we get to play in the garden more. Elijah’s fabric toys where all ruined from the storms but I was able to salvage everything else. Looks like I’ll have to order a new tent and paddling pool if I can’t fix the old one up! It’s been nice watching Elijah enjoy the garden and getting some exercise in. We’ve done lots of sensory play in garden too so saves my living room from the mess. I feel for people who don’t have gardens so try to make my play ideas adaptable for people living in flats as well. T

his weather is pretty nice to so I’m making the most out of getting out alone. I know I should take my son when I can but I only get one form of exercise a day. When i’ve endured Elijahs grumpy behaviour all day I need that me time for my mental health. I do take him out some days but I really worry about him getting the virus to be honest. The way people still get too close really makes me anxious and I worry about him or me getting it. I also worry about him having a breakdown he wants to do something like swim in the lake or play on some play equipment in the park. I don’t want to feel like there’s more no’s o have to say to him and it makes me feel guilty enough. I try to take him out when James is off work so that we can enjoy family time as every weekend we would go out and I want to keep some element of reality even if that is just walking to the meadows by our house.

When home I like to open all my blinds and enjoy the sun beaming in now. I like to feel like I’m not in a prison but I’m safe at home and the weathers nice and warm so I can go in the garden and relax. I like to get dressed everyday so I remember it’s a different day and it makes us all feel a bit more positive. I’ve got really into taking time to enjoy food and experimenting in the kitchen a bit more. I don’t want to know how much weight I’m gaining from all the cakes and bits I’ve been baking or cooking. I’m finding more time for me to do my skincare at night and finding new hobbies all the time. Although all of this is great I do still miss leaving the house and having social interaction. I miss going out with my friends for dinner without the family too because it was my little bit of freedom to be again except for mummy.

The thing is being a parent really is hard. When a child is upset they fixate on it and have a meltdown to process those emotions the only way they know how. Although we understand they are trying to express those emotions and want to be supportive it’s hard to push our feelings down. For example being upset about a tantrum. After a whole day of dealing with tantrums it can really upset you. Physically and mentally. It is possible to accept their feelings and your own and you should not feel guilt about that. You are allowed to feel stressed when your child is being a terror and that is okay to feel emotions about it. So long as your not taking those emotions out on your child it is okay to have these feelings. Just because other people want to paint a perfect picture that they never have any negative feelings towards a child’s behaviour that doesn’t mean that what they say and post is true. We are human and we are going through a pandemic. Everyday we must try and adapt to new changes. We are afraid of others and the world around us. When it will go back to normal I do not know but I wish that we could start supporting others and say it’s okay to be struggling. This reality we live in is new and you have done damn well to adapt to it. You continue to support yourself and your children through every emotion and take on the role of superhero to get through this. You are staying in to save others, to save your family and friends. If you got up today and got on with the day you’ve done all you need to do! So well done! Continue to stay safe and be proud of what you’re doing everyday. You’re allowed to feel stressed and you’re allowed to feel down. My inbox is always open. Be safe and stay well.