You may think reading the title of this post that i have done something wrong. You know the influencers that get called out on their shit for things they’ve said or done in the past. But this is not that type of post, this is a post about myself. An apology letter to myself sounds dramatic but its something that ive thought of doing for a long time. Writing down my feelings and sharing with my followers about how i am actually feeling and not living through bits and pieces i wanted to truly open up and also heal for myself. So here goes. An apology to myself…
As i have touched on many times over the years i have been nothing but honest about my mental health and how it has affected me. Things aren’t always grid perfect photos and happy little status updates you see on facebook. Life is raw, it is felt deeper than any ocean at times and at times you can feel like your drowning and the darkness covers you as you fall deeper and deeper.I would never of expected to of spent my twenties feeling the way i have. Hollywood movies showing us that all twenty year olds must be care free beautiful people who go out clubbing and have hundreds of friends and many flings as they stumble their way until their thirty’s where life suddenly gets serious. Which if that is you, that is also great. But what if you don’t want to lean on alcohol to enjoy life and you felt to socially awkward at times struggling to keep in contact with others? What if your anxiety kept you isolated and feeling utterly alone and unlikable? My goals in life where different and i guess to some that isn’t okay to them as that’s not what they wanted to be around but it’s about time i stop feeling bad for being happy and marrying the love of my life young and planning and having a child young. We all have different wants and needs from life and its about time we all accept that everyone is on their own path and lets support each other instead of this toxic cancel culture when friends disappear because you have a baby or we stop talking to our friends who enjoy nights out more than nights in.
One thing we have grown up with being in this generation is technology and social media. I honestly can’t explain how hard it is to grow up being conditioned to look a certain way and to receive a certain amount of attention from others to thrive. Oh how i would of loved to of grown up in a time where my own self worth isn’t measured by how many likes i may get on a Instagram post or if my face and body is as filtered as the next photo i see as i scroll down. Technology becomes addictive and we spend more time indoors then outdoors mindlessly scowling hoping that maybe we will feel something which well we never do. I apologise to myself for ever feeling i wasn’t enough because of the pressures of society. I apologise to myself for binge eating my feelings every time i look in the mirror and felt disappointed that i wasn’t as pretty as others. I apologise to myself for allowing myself to care about the opinions of others and allowing it to affect me. I also regret the time i have spent mindlessly scrolling my phone when i could of just been living my life care free. Why do i care what someone i went to school with ten years ago is doing as i scroll down my news feed. Like who the absolute hell cares and why did i care? I’m a grown up now yet i am still stuck in this teenage desire to scroll my phone and be updated of all goings on. What is that!
I regret not getting help sooner.I don’t want to play the victim but i haven’t had the easiest of lives at times. I didn’t have what so many others had and times i felt alone and miserable when all i wanted was love. Things said to me have stuck with me and ingrained into my constant thought process. I have become my own worst enemy, my own critic of everything i say and do and think. The thing is i would love to be able to just spend a day not over thinking every scenario. How i would love to go out in public and not feel like a whale and that if i open my mouth others will think im weird, or rude or just hate me because well i am me. I just want a day when i don’t think everyone in the world hates me or is out to get me. i apologise to myself for not allowing myself to accept that it is not my fault. That not everyone will always love you and you are not what others may say you are.
whilst at times i stumble through life in the search of some sort of happiness i end up ignoring what is around me because i am so wrapped up in this mould that happiness should be what others want and not me. My happiness is my sons smile and cuddles as he tells me he loves me everyday. My happiness is reading and playing games with him everyday. My happiness is my husband giving me a kiss on his way to work every morning and when he smiles at me whenever he comes home. My happiness is laughing and dancing around and just being present with my family and friends. My happiness is not dictated by others and i wish i could of accepted this earlier,
Everyday i struggle to get through. But from now on i will survive for me. I will no longer be a sponge for others negativity and i will allow myself to enjoy my life and not validate myself on the opinions of strangers, I am making myself stronger by attending therapy, by working out and swimming too get myself into a shape i am happy with. I have took on a few hours of work a week so that i can get out there and speak to other humans other then being a mum. I am in control of my own happiness and i will no longer allow my past to determine my future. It will take time but i will get there.
Thanks for reading