Three more weeks of hell

The government is expected to put us in lockdown for 3 more weeks as I type this and I can’t imagine anything worse at the moment. Obviously protecting everyone is why we stay at home but I don’t know how much more I can take and why aren’t police and military stopping everyone leaving houses and roaming the streets all day to prevent the spread. I’ve had enough of looking out my window and it is completely packed on my normally quiet road. It’s full of groups going out and about people ignoring lockdown.Cars moving around all day, My neighbours in and out like yo-yos and children from different households playing in the street. I’m seeing people travel to family and friends households online and it’s really getting to me now. Do you think I stay home so you can swan about thinking you’re above the law and the virus? No. No I don’t.

My mental health has SEVERLY taken a steep jump of a cliff (perhaps Everest). Honestly me and my son are getting on each others nerves now and although I love him to pieces I don’t half need a break. Or a six month holiday. But I can’t even go and see friends and vent. I can’t cry to family and I can’t handle much more. We’ve been potty training so that’s been absolute hell but his behaviour is something else. I know obviously we are in the terrible twos but the people that act like it’s normal haven’t experience the terrible twos in isolation where you can’t take them out for a distraction. Where you can’t go see family and friends. Where you can’t have a date night or go out alone at times. I can’t go to my counselling sessions which I am really, really missing. I started to make such good progress and now I’m left wanting to sob on Fridays because I should be going to my sessions and feeling better each week but instead I’m feeling worse each and every week.

I have no idea how to get out of this funk. I don’t feel grateful for being a mother right now. I am so jealous of people who don’t have children some times that it physically hurts. I get asked by a friend have I seen this or done this? No I haven’t because my entire day is plagued with screaming and tantrums and trying to entertain him to avoid such events.y nights are spent so exhausted sometimes I just sit there in silence staring at a wall. I’m jealous of people who get to have lay ins and late nights, people who get to do what they want when they want and only have to clean up after themselves. I miss ever taking silence for granted and my freedom. I feel like i have a pressure here to say I love my kid. Because others might judge me but why should I care what others think. Of course I love my child and just because I’m having a bit of a complaint does not make me any worse of a mother than anyone else.

I miss my old life. I miss sitting in a grotty bingo hall ordering terrible chips that tastes awfull but I couldn’t help ordering it. I miss sitting in a restaurant and my food and drinks made for me. I miss no washing up. I miss going to soft play with friends and letting my kid run and run till he passed out asleep from exhaustion. I miss having people over and going to others for dinner. I miss seeing Elijah with his friends and his family having a laugh. I miss the shitty bus journeys. I miss trips to the supermarket and looking around. I miss dunelm and bnm shopping buying loads of cleaning products( which I now cannot buy anywhere). I miss shopping trips and not being judged on what I buy and when. I miss everything. I miss long days out and now everything’s pure hell.

Hopefully things change soon. I don’t know how I’m going to cope anymore I really don’t. I’m struggling. It’s like I’m not here anymore I’m just on auto pilot. I’m sick of it and I’m sick of being stuck on repeat. Stay the feck home and stop making everyone else’s life hell because you wanted to see family or you wanted to buy something non essential.

3 thoughts on “Three more weeks of hell

  1. Coming home this evening from work I seen 3 people come out of a shop and they are all walking together! 3 adults. It’s not supposed to be groups of more than 2. That really annoyed me and I was biting my lips. I am thinking I just seen 2 cop cars go by, a couple of minutes apart. Why can’t another just come by right now and catch em?
    I only go out to work and groceries. That’s it.
    I dare not go for that walk we are allowed to have once a day just simply to not pass more people than I need to.
    If I wasn’t cleaning back in my evening job, which my time is earlier than normal, while this is all going on and it’s just me with only a small area to be cleaned. But if I wasn’t doing this one, I can’t imagine what I would have been like at end of 2 weeks. Let alone longer.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am hoping for it to back to where we can travel. As someone who once had anxiety in travelling to new places on my own, but can now do, even if anxiety creeps in at times, I feel caged by not travelling. X

        Liked by 1 person

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