It’s hard not to miss your old life.

It’s hard not to miss your old life.

Elijah went for a sleepover at his nanny’s yesterday so me and James could go cinemas and destress as we had a very stressful week and needed some time to just breath. It got me thinking that sometimes I miss our old life. When it was us two. I obviously don’t wish away or regret having Elijah but sometimes I ache with a need to just be us sometimes.

Nobody really warns you when you try and get pregnant that you will no longer have time just the two of you anymore. You get told from everyone they’ll be there for childcare but once baby exits your body nobody wants to know. Childcare is a few hours of peace and it’s rare to get anymore than that. I can count on one hand the nights away from Elijah we’ve had. In two years that’s not a lot of time. Although I love our family time and cuddles on the sofa I miss life in the slow lane.

It’s the little things you miss, waking up at the weekend after a lay in. Slowly waking up and scrolling on your phone and chatting till you decide to get up and go have breakfast. Having a a slow breakfast eating whatever you want with no mess to clean up after, hands to wipe or hands grabbing at your food. It’s deciding what you want to do and just going out to do it. No packing a massive bag and cramming with snacks and nappies. No thinking do they have baby changing? Is it kid friendly? How long should I be there before I need to come home and get the kid to nap?

It’s missing out on dates. Where you used to randomly decide at 7 you where going to cinema and just get in the car and go and now it’s can you have the kid in a weeks time for two hours please and we’ll pick and drop you off? It’s going to a restaurant and spending the whole time worrying about other people judging your kid for going on your phone or making a noise or something like that. It’s also cleaning the floor and sides after eating a meal. Something you’d never do just the two of you on a date.

It’s the conversation being calmed down. Not swearing except for when the kids in bed and talking about certain subjects so they don’t learn the words and go round using the c word or something like that. I will say however I find it hilarious when kids swear by accident it brings my soul pure joy!

I miss not relying on anyone to do things just us two now and when we go and do our old hobbies not having to rush them because Elijah grows bored or tired. I miss going to bed when I wanted and not waking up exhausted. Not having to listen to baby alarm in a light sleep and waking at every roll in his bed all night long. I miss when 7 am was early to me on days I wasn’t working.

Overall I love our life now and wouldn’t change it for the world. I love our family and how much better life has got since having Elijah but sometimes, just sometimes I miss when it was us two and we could be just a couple .

Sometimes you end up being the “shouty” mum.

Sometimes you end up being the “shouty” mum.

The other day I took Elijah to feed the ducks and have muddy outdoor play and activities. Fun right?? Wrong. I was so excited to have a lovely day with my friend and her little boy and mine playing nicely and imagined it going so well but it didn’t. It started of well Elijah held my hand nicely and enjoyed feeding the ducks and cane away when I told him too. But then we went to play on a climbing frame. It was great fun till it was time to come of which Elijah point blank refused.

Obviously I’m aware he doesn’t understand that things come to an end so I explain nicely it’s all done now and to say goodbye and we will come back another day to play. He was having none of it kicking and throwing himself on the cold muddy floor hitting me when I tried to help him up. My child’s not badly behaved and I understand this is a stage and how he gets his feelings across. But I still couldn’t help getting stressed with all the dog walkers and yummy mummy’s walking past at my screeching child deciding the floor was his new home. Eventually I had to pick him up and walk away. He then decided to keep throwing himself on the floor because I wouldn’t carry him. Boys heavy and I’m not busting my back walking around a lake with him when he has two perfectly capable legs and more energy than me! Again throwing himself on floor on footpath and mud infront of people and screaming. I tried over and over to be nice then tried getting up and asking him to follow me where he’d stand up and run other way or try jump into the lake.

Brilliant I thought as I started to get increasingly more stressed. But more and more people stared and my friend and Elijahs friend where out of sight and it just kept building up. After fifteen minuites I ended up shouting. I’m not proud but I shouted get up and walk and hold my hand your being a pain in my but. I felt bad but he still carried on and the most turned to shouted nos and the get ups turned to shouted again I couldn’t turn it off. I gave up and hurt my back carrying him back to the picnic area where he decided to behave. Obviously as food was around he was happy. When we got to the car he was such a good boy allowing me to take of his clothes and change them and didn’t moan once. When we got home he sat nicely playing and there came the mum guilt flooding like a storm.

Was I a bad mum for shouting? I see other mums all the time get to the end of their tether and shout so why wasn’t it ok for me too? I always try to be kind and explain things when telling him off but sometimes it doesn’t work. No matter how much I wish it would I hate myself for loosing it. I feel terrible in my heart whenever I shout at him after. But sometimes we need to make ourselves hurt e.g if I asked Elijah nicely to get up all day he’d still be there and of gotten I’ll from the cold floor. If I’d of said nicely don’t jump in lake I’d probably of ended up swimming with the ducks trying to fish him out. Sometimes they need the raised voice to get there attention, especially where safety is concerned. But still the guilts there good old #mumguilt .

Don’t fear the smear.

Don’t fear the smear.

Today I went for my first smear test and it went swimmingly. I was in the room five minuites and carried on with my day. Here’s some reasons why you shouldn’t fear the smear.

First of all it takes seconds. Literal seconds the woman was in and out within one minute maybe even less. It doesn’t hurt, it feels odd but it doesn’t hurt. It’s not awkward, the doctors /nurses do not give a thought to whether you’ve shaved your legs or trimmed your lady garden because trust me they’ve seen worse and will see worse. You are given privacy to get undressed and dressed and something to place over your body. You are entitled to a chaperone if you’d prefer (this normally is not friends or family but another nurse). You get checked to see if you could have a type of virus that causes cancer. You could save your life going. It’s free in the uk and many other country’s have to pay.

What happens at the smear you may ask? Well it’s starts of by signing in at reception. You sit and wait to be called. Don’t worry nobody knows or cares why you’re there. The nurse or doctor will call you through. You will talk general chit chat and they will take your name, date of birth and address for the sample/results. They will explain the procedure if you would like them too. They will pull a curtain around the bed and allow you to get undressed bellow your waist and put these on the chair next to you. You will have a sheet layer out to cover your lap as you lay down. You call the nurse/doctor when your ready. They will instruct you how to position yourself and don’t be afraid to chat during. They’ll insert the speculum which can feel weird. They’ll use a long brush like a long cotton bud to scrape your cervix. Then they will take it out and put in pot and remove speculum. They leave you to get dressed and when your ready come out. And that’s it done.

My top tips for having a smear test.

  • Don’t be afraid.
  • Wear a dress or skirt so you can keep your dignity if you like me don’t want to show everything. In autumn/winter wear tights. You can obviously wear what you want but if you want it over and done with quickly and have a little bit of added dignity for yourself this is what i recommend.
  • Get childcare if you can. It’s easier for everyone if you can relax and the professional can concentrate.
  • You can choose whether you have a man or woman if you like. Only if it is asked for in advance.
  • Wear a sanitary towel. Some woman bleed after. Not because they’re injured it’s just because they do sometimes, better to be safe than sorry.
  • Do not have sex 24 hours before the test.
  • If you are on contraceptives or have had anything done or looking in your vagina tell the doctors first to see if suitable to have test. My first test was cancelled as I had to have my coil removed two weeks before my smear.
  • Nobody cares if you’ve shaved or not but if your worried about it just do it.
  • Research first if your worried about what will happen.
  • Ask questions.

My results will take 2-3 weeks and I’ll receive them in the post. Till then I remain optimistic and whatever will be will be. So don’t fear the smear I know it’s easier said than done but if 60 seconds of laying still could save your life then do at least try.

Making time with your best friend.

Making time with your best friend.

We always try to make time for our friends but do we take the time to remember our best friends? I mean yeah we talk to them constantly and can meet up every week with our children. But do we remember to take the time to be just us and hang around together? No kids or others?Quite simply no. For some reason or another be it childcare or being busy/ tired can get in the way of quality time where you can have a conversation that’s grown up with a few swear words thrown in. Where you can just talk unfiltered and not have to run off and chase the toddler making a run for it . Where you can share memories and just talk and have fun. Go where you want to and do what you want to as you used to. As a parent we always think about having me time and going out with others who don’t have kids as they are free more. We also prioritise using free time to go out with partners so that you can keep that freedom alive for the both of you. But sometimes it’s good to see your best friend and remember that they are one of your nearest and dearest too. So ask them out be it coffee or something WITHOUT the kids if they have them as sometimes you just want to be completely real again. Sometimes it’s not possible and we meet every week with our kids but it’s still nice to take the time just us two and be able to relax together.

Autumn art activity.

Autumn art activity.

Now that it’s autumn it’s colder out and we spend more time inside. Finding things to do with your toddler to entertain them can be a struggle at times. Why not find two activities in one to do!

Take a stroll in a local park and explore the leafs and conkers. Show your toddler the textures and get them to pick some that they like the look of and put them in a bag to take home. Make sounds crunching on the leafs and sing songs. Throw the leafs in the air.Take them home with you and get them out the next day for another days activity.

The next day was perfect for us as it was raining. We got out our tuff tray and played with the conkers first. We rolled them around and we practiced counting and crashing them into each other. Next I got some paper out and paints. We glued on our leafs and then prepared the paint. I shew how red and yellow make orange. We used autumnal colours like red, yellow and orange. We painted with paintbrushes for the first photo on top of the leafs. The second we used conkers and our hands to paint. We then used orange glitter to finish off. It was a fun activity and very messy!

We had a flood!

We had a flood!

Maybe not as dramatic as it sounds but you know me i am dramatic af. Basically we woke up yesterday to our kitchen in a puddle of water and it gushing from the stop cock (the way water comes through and can be turned of in case of emergency) had basically exploded. James ran out to the street and turned the water off and started drying up the flood. Being home owners it was our responsibility and only ours to get this sorted. Luckily we were due to get our sink changed that day anyway! He was due to come a few weeks before but cancelled twice so I guess it was pure luck the plumber came out on the very day we needed something major fixed. Which obviously caused more expense and took more time and a lot more stress.

We’re hoping that everything drys ok but we can already tell we have a lot of damage so may need to replace everything but for now I’m just glad it was fixed basically same day and lucky nothing bad happened and it wasn’t worse. Dehumidifier is on round the clock now to try suck up all the moisture it can but as our floorboards suggest it’s pointless. Hopefully our insurance will cover this or I might have a mental breakdown after all the stress and upset it’s already caused. It’s really hard when something happens to your safe space. But for now it’s fixed and we have a shiny new sink and tap even if it may need ripping out again at some point if we have to replace all the cupboards and work tops from the damage 🤦🏻‍♀️ here is a before and after.

Unwind

Unwind

Have that bath, eat that chocolate bar and scent your room with candles because it’s time to chill tf out.

Everyday we get ourselves in such a stress and forget to take time for us. To unwind, to get patterns where a certain routine makes us feel calm. So put your phone on charge, close your eyes and breathe. Take a few minutes for yourself. When it all gets to much just have a few selfish seconds because you need it.

Work stress, family and friends, just personal things getting you down and don’t know how to escape it? Switch off. One thing I’ve learnt recently is the need to be selfish. We only get one life so we do we spends our life’s miserable and wanting to stop sometimes. We’re human we feel so much more stronger which is both a blessing and a curse! Sometimes I envy some animals because they seem to have it made!

How to unwind? Well it’s all about finding what works for you. I might say go make a cup of tea and sit down for five minutes but you could a caffeine aversion or it may stress you having caffeine as it gives you more energy. So I’ll give you some suggestions and if you like them try them, If not maybe it’ll give you some ideas into what you could do to unwind.

First of all an easy grounding one. Breathing. If you’re feeling stressed and can’t escape a situation just take a breath. Stop close hour eyes and concentrate on your breathing, feel your body moving and your organs working together. Feel your mind unwind and try to relax into it. Rationalise you’re thoughts and come back to the room. If you’re really up against stress then excuse yourself for a moment and do it in private. Take yourself to a bathroom or staff room if at work or just any room you can to just take a minute to yourself. I found this helpful in my old job when things would get to much I’d take a step back and breath to calm my self and slow my anxious mind. Since becoming a mum I find this one of the easiest tools I use to just take a step back and be calm and rational. Having a screaming, tantrum throwing Grenade that is your toddler can really cause you to get worked up at times. But we don’t want to meet fire with fire and give them the attitude they give us. Of course sometimes things get to much and you might become the “shouty parent”. But how do we stop getting to that stage? I’ve had a few days recently when the tantrums have been constant, embarrassing and heart breaking. I’ve wanted to cry and scream and it’s exhausted me. I’ve found that when he’s having a monumental tantrum because he can’t hold your used tissue or something as absurd as that it can help. I feel the stress, embarrassment and defeat in me so I take a step back. I close my eyes and breath I remind myself he doesn’t understand how to explain how he feels and then think in my head how to explain things to him in a calm way. If he’s been pretty full on all day and the few seconds don’t help then I will leave him watching tv and stand in the kitchen for a minuite I’ll do the breathing and calm myself and come out a new person.

Secondly have some water. Have a nice drink, waters best as it’s healthy and best for you. It’ll refuel you and help you think clearer. Taking the time to just drink and relax can make you feel miles better. Ever wondered why you always accept a cup of tea or coffee when at work when you’re not even thirsty and may have had 16527 cups already today? Your body is starved of water and it always makes you feel better.

Self care is probably the most important thing you can do unwind. When you’re feeling particularly in a dark spot in can feel impossible to want to look after yourself but you must. Force yourself to run a warm bath, shove a ridiculously funky bath bomb in and light yourself some candles. Turn the light of, get in and close your mind of. Don’t take your phone in the bathroom so you can fully disengage. Exfoliate and pamper yourself. Wash and condition you’d hair slowly feeling how it feels as you do it. Sink into the bubbles and just unwind into the warm ness. Warm water comforts us and sitting in a smell explosion tub helps even more. Once out Put a face mask on, moisturise, dry your hair nicely. Put on some fresh pjs and enjoy the feeling. It’s amazing how much just having a wash can help you feel.

Treat yourself, if you can afford to treat yourself every now and then absolutely do it! Buy that cute top! Buy a nice chocolate bar, buy a new book, buy whatever it is that makes you feel happy. Just think about that feeling you get when you first wear/use or eat a treat and how you’ll feel then. Why shouldn’t you buy something if it’ll make you happy!

Turn your phone off when you’ve done what you need to on it. It’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole of instagram, Facebook then twitter. You’ll spend the nights looking through carelessly stressing yourself and it’s really unneeded. Perhaps just turn it off for little time sections and then increase it. Use that time doing something else. I use the time to read. I love reading because it takes me away to a far away place. It takes me out of reality for a little while and my mind and emotions are stretched. It helps me unwind and instead of reading how someone doesn’t like some chocolate bar they brought online my brains out to something better.

Journal. Write down your feelings it helps, whether it’s in a book or like me in the form of the blog sometimes it helps to get the thoughts out from your head and into the real world.

Talk to someone. Try to talk to a friend or family member about your feelings and let them out. Talk about random rubbish and just try to live in the moment. Try to enjoy conversations where you’re not distant thinking of other things switch off because I guarantee the things your thinking odd are not that important.

It’s all about finding what’s good for you but this what just works for me. When I’m in a stressful situation or dark place I try to use these as much as I can and it normally works. Just taking the time to rationalise yourself and disengage is sometimes all we need.

My experience owning a African Pygmy hedgehog.

My experience owning a African Pygmy hedgehog.

After years of talking James Into it he finally allowed me to get one. After finding a breeder willing to drive to me from a hour away for extra tenner we got our little guy milo. I named him and we got him a few weeks after he was ready to leave so was still a baby. He was a pedigree and sent us his birth certificate (which traced his great great grandparents) alongside some food and bits we might need. We had already gotten him a large cage, heat mat and washable carpet fo protect his little feet and keep the warmth and cut up blankets for him to snuggle in. (Yes adorable)

It took him a while to get used to us and would be very scared around us and Puff into a ball but with some guidance from the breeders we learnt if we tickled his spine gently he would enjoy a massage and sometimes even lick us. Some hedgehogs love to be held but milo didn’t do so we just let him really do his own little thing and handle him with oven gloves till he was comfortable with us.

We brought him cat toys which he loved playing with he’d play noseball pushing a bell ball around and enjoyed play fighting with little toys on a string. He also loved to chew and play with empty toilet rolls. His favourite thing however was his wheel he would run all night long!

He ate dried cat food and ate chicken as a treat which he absolutely loved and would eat so fast. Bathing him was a bit of a task! Despite videos online hedgehogs do not like water and should never be on their back in water and the water should never be too deep they breath water in their noses or they sneeze constantly and could get ill. Also they have to keep warm so baths need to be warm and dried quickly! We started bathing him in our bath but it was to slippery for him so we brought another washing up bowl just for him and bathed him with a toothbrush and baby was to get gently under his bristles and to get his feet we also once a month had to trim his toenails which he hated but needed doing.

Despite him being a part of the family he was very difficult to look after (we also had a hamster to look after too). He would need constant spot cleans of his cage and he would need cleaning every other day as he would stink as his wee and enormous pops would smell horrid. (His cage was disgusting to clean every time as his poo was awful Constance’s and would go hard especially on his wheel).We where constantly having to shake of his mats and blankets for poo then clean them and dry them quickly ready for next day to be changed! He would constantly tip over his water bowl so had to replace it constantly incase he didn’t get enough to drink. He was also quite grumpy so cuddling wasn’t his thing which is cool but hard when your working so hard to look after him!

When I fell pregnant I couldn’t get down on floor to clean him out and he’d always escape his playpen and hedgehogs run bloody fast so my husband had to take over which became tiring and when our baby was born we had to get family to look after him while we where in special care. When our son was a few months old we decided to Rehome him because of the amount of cleaning and care and little attention he was getting because of the baby!

So we decided to go with a friend who I got to prove her knowledge on hedgehogs before he went to her. She still sends me photos now and it’s very cute he is happy and loved. I felt so sad when he left us but it was for the best for all of us. Would I get a hedgehog again? In short no. Although I loved him they are so much work and while it was ok when I didn’t have a child and wash to do having a child and a hedgehog just won’t do and whenever children came to look at him he wasn’t very happy too see him so I decided that he probably wouldn’t like my son when he was interested in him either. Also the electric bill and cleaning products we used to clean him out expense is quite high too and our hamster was so much easier to care for. I’d say this pet is suited for people with children 5 and above!

Rainy day activities.

Rainy day activities.

The rain hit hard over the weekend causing floods in some places so we decided to stay in. We recently brought a tuff tray so I decided let’s use it to make mess!

Today we used paper and paint. We got out our dinosaurs, trains and cars to make tracks and prints. We set up the washable paint and cellotaped three bits of paper (A3) together. We got our sponge and normal paintbrushes out and set them up nicely. We put glitter and sequins ready to be scattered on too. We did it while Elijah napped so he saw something was new and got excited to play with it. He kept saying wow!

We talked through the colours and what the items were, letting him choose what he used and showing him how to make foot prints and track prints on the paper. His favourite thing was the large sponge paintbrush which he enjoyed the texture off. He loved soaking it with paint and saying ew and giggling as he brushed it over the paper. We painted his hands and he used his hands to paint and enjoyed doing so! He learnt how to do it himself and grabbed the paintbrushes and dipped the paint on and then painted his hands. He enjoyed the play session lots and lasted atleat twenty minutes.

Normally on rainy days inside we have some sort of themed play. We will normally get the colouring books out and colour. We will get a pack of stickers out and stick to some scrap paper of previous squiggled drawings and make new pictures.

We also get out play dough to shape and mould new things. We get his play dough sets out like his dentist kit and minions hairdressers salon and have themed play. We’ll pretend to make food and make animals and balls and just smash them.

We get out a set of toys at a time like a happy land set and play with them. Normally we get the train track out and pretend to be boarding trains. We will also get the house out and make pretend with the house. We play with the zoo and make pretend there too. We love playing with animals and dinosaurs and have hi speed races across the livingroom with his cars.

The toy kitchen and food is a good thing to do together too. We pretend to cook and stir in our saucepans and serve each other food. We do cutting and seasoning and lots of wash up up too. We talk through the food and what we’re doing too learn what things are and the words for a action.

We play with our puzzles, we work together to do these and he enjoys helping. We play snap and learning games. We always read flash cards together to learn words and colours and shapes. We play wooden magnetic fishing games and try to work the motor reflexes at the same time as spending quality time together.

We set up picnic blankets and have tea party’s and picnics indoors for lunch and sometimes we bring our teddy’s along.

We bake food together. Elijah sometimes helps with making lunch and whenever is bake he loves to help decorate and stir the bowl for me!

Anything can be an indoor activity if you let it be. Don’t let the rain stop the fun! A day in-front of a film with some supper yummy snacks is always fun too and it is important to unwind and relax.

World mental health day 2019

World mental health day 2019

I will always talk about mental health. I will always say it is okay to not be okay. For years I suffered in silence. It all started when I was around 16 but in some respects earlier. I was bullied and because of that I became a very anxious person. Growing up I started to get mood swings, they have been labelled as hormones, a bitchy attitude or just who I was.

As I grew older I started getting into bad places at times. I wondered if everyone would be better without me? I wondered if it would be easier for everything to just stop. I realised this was not normal but I never really felt I could speak to my family or boyfriend at the time. I’ve always kept myself to myself. It wasn’t till I started working in care when I was more responsible to other people where I started to get affected by stress. I became a insomniac and I stared to get severe ocd. It became horrific. I was running on empty looking after others while feeling awfull about myself. I still put on a happy face and pretended I was ok when I really wasn’t. Little things would upset me and I would cry. Everyone would think I was over emotional and a cry baby not knowing the struggle I was going through every day just to exist. I’d get defensive and snap and broke up with my boyfriend at the time and felt nothing. I was desensitised and didn’t give two hoots I’d thrown away a 3 year relationship. But I made the right decision and he was one of the worst things in my life and something I could change easily. He made my anxiety worse and made my depression worse and was never there when I needed him.

I still struggled on but eventually one day at work something set me off and I went to see a doctor. I spilled about everything, how I had spent years feeling wrong, how I wondered why I got out of bed in the morning, how my days of would be spent in bed and I was unable to give my all to a job I should love. I explained how I’d become fixated on doing tasks over and over and I would get a panic attack if not done wrong and hot and itchy. I explained I had started flicking light switches on and off and there was nothing I could do. I explained how I’d have to double check every switch was off and correctly in a room as I left as I’d worry the house would burn down. I explained I had to do certain things as in my head my family and friends would die if I wouldn’t do it. I knew I didn’t need to in my heart but my head wouldn’t let me stop. I was diagnosed with ocd, depression and anxiety. I was offered counselling and tablets. Tablets didn’t work just made me feel shit and I tried so many. I gave up in the end. Sometimes tablets are for you and sometimes they’re not the only things that help are mega strong ones that make me feel even more exhausted. Counselling was ok it started over the phone but when it came to a in person day I panicked. I went in and was basically told by some old man I was too young to feel how I was. I felt so stupid and worse I screamed back how many people have you looked after that beat you for washing them and caring for them? How many times have you had someone scream at you for days on end while you try to help them?How many times have you took a hour to get out the door as you didn’t feel you turnt a light switch off right and sobed? I left feeling horrid and refused anymore counselling. I kind of blacked it out and pretended I was fine for a short while it worked.

I met James and my mental health improved by itself. We moved out and I was the happiest id ever been. Eventually my work pattern changed and I basically worked 4 nights a week and saw James three nights a week and I felt horrendous. Work got really stressful and I had personal things at work where I was made to feel like crap and I ended up having a breakdown. I came home from work sobbing rocking back and forth unable to move I was so sad. I called my doctor and went in and was signed of work. I was due on shift in a hours time and had only had a few hours of since my last two days straight and sleep ins and was due for another that night. I hadn’t slept in days I was exhausted and my feelings got the better of me. My mum came over as I called her as my manger was saying I wasn’t aloud to be of work sick as they couldn’t cover my shift. I wasn’t allowed to. Which made everything even worse my mum came round and told my manger to stop calling me I’m off sick and if she harrasses me anymore she’s be explaining to me how to go elsewhere to complain. She explained I was shaking sobbing in a corner and they expected me to come into work to look after a vulnerable adult when I couldn’t even look after myself. She explained if I’d been hit by a bus I wouldn’t be told to come into work and they wouldn’t tell me I was not aloud to be off work and put the phone down. For the first time I fully allowed myself to feel everything again and had a month of despite my managers telling me I had to come back daily and forcing me to have meetings while of sick and telling my work collegues personal confidential things and doctor telling me not to go back. I eventually felt a bit better and left where I was based for elsewhere in my company, things where a bit better and I was back on medication and just looked online at counselling and learnt to talk to people when feeling down.

I was ok with the odd down stage until I had my son. I was a nervous wreck at first I worried I’d be a terrible mum and I wasn’t like the rest. Everything made me anxious. I was sad and had nobody to talk too. When I returned to work when I first went back I was a wreck. My ocd came back along with my anxiety I was annoying people, questioning things. My arms and hands would be red raw from my hand washing from my ocd and I’d get palpitations. My pulse on shift once went to 144 bpm sitting there relaxed. I cried at night because I knew I was annoying others and felt terrible for it. My insomnia returned. But things calmed down I stopped caring so much.Over time I calmed again. Eventually though I became stressed again and everything flared up. On top of work I was a mum and had all the mum guilt to go with it and worry and decided I couldn’t work anymore. I had that thought again about how everyone would be happy without me so off to gp again and signed off. I decided to leave and concentrate on my family. I have felt better since stopping work. I’m not stressed. But I still have times I’m depressed. I still have times I’m a bit of a mess. I still have severe anxiety and always will. I will always question everything and that’ll never change. I will always have difficulty accepting love and and not questioning everything my loved ones do. But I have found that talking helps. Relaxing helps and taking the time to step back and excuse my self from situations has helped massively.

We need to talk about mental health and normalise it. Suffering in silence is hell and makes everything ten times worse. Sometimes we need a little cry or to go out for coffee and talk. Sometimes we need to know that others have similar feelings and your not just crazy. Sometimes we need a little break and to put our self’s first. Sometimes it’s ok to concentrate on you before others and that’s ok. If you need help or someone to talk to I am always there. But most importantly if you feel not ok, pop to your gp. Sometimes a diagnosis is all you need to start feeling better about yourself. You are important and you are loved. You are not alone and never will be.