When I look in the mirror I always feel fat. I look online at clothes I think are gorgeous then talk myself out of buying them because I doubt that they’d look right on my body type. I eat my feelings when I’m sad and I never want to munch on a carrot stick it’s always chocolate. I have developed a seriously unhealthy relationship with food.
Since having a child I think I’ve let myself go that bit more. I struggle to eat normally at normal times. I have things that are quick and instant for me to eat which can be eaten on the go or in under five minutes. I would never give Elijah what I eat in a day everyday so why would I put that food into myself? If I say to my family do it buy him chocolate why am I then eating a sharing bag a night?
My exercise routine is non existent. I did go through a stage of running and I loved it but since it’s become colder and darker it’s more of a struggle to want to run in the dark around the countryside alone. My only excercise now is chasing Elijah round soft play or pushing his buggy round all day (a workout in itself I know).
My mental health has deteriorated and I find myself falling back into my safety net of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter mindlessly scrolling for hours to distract myself of the reality of real life. I find myself doing anything I can to stop myself feeling and end up distracting myself with the most stupid of things and making too many plans exhausting myself with all the social interaction.
So what am I doing about it? Well I’ve just put some weight on again. And I feel horrid about it. I worked so hard to go down clothes sizes and I’ve just let myself slip back again. I will not allow myself to continue to be unhappy with my body. I have developed reflux recently and after working in endoscopy for 3 years I know I need to get myself better before I damage myself. So today I joined slimming world (I know how overrated) and I’ve done a online shop and ordered nothing that is junk food. The family meals I cook will be slimming world but the boys will have bigger versions with more fatty products. I am meal planning everything I eat down to my breakfast to get into a routine and also changing it up everyday. I’m going to get back into couch to 5k and do my home workout dvd and YouTube videos. I am also going to take a detox of my personal social media. I will still be blogging as I find it therapeutic and I will use my Instagram for my blog as I only follow lovely bloggers and friends so I feel no need for competition or to judge myself or others which is something f I hate that I do. I will be avoiding the news as the comments and headlines upset me. I will take my time getting back into cooking which something I’ve always loved and cooking healthy meals will be a positive change. I’ll start reading and getting back into my personal care routing as being in a bad spot has seriously affected how I look and feel about myself.
So here’s to change whether I stick to it or not. But let’s hope I stick to it and become a healthier, happier me. Because after all we should feel happy in ourselves because we are all slaying life just by simply fighting to live another day.