The other day I took Elijah to feed the ducks and have muddy outdoor play and activities. Fun right?? Wrong. I was so excited to have a lovely day with my friend and her little boy and mine playing nicely and imagined it going so well but it didn’t. It started of well Elijah held my hand nicely and enjoyed feeding the ducks and cane away when I told him too. But then we went to play on a climbing frame. It was great fun till it was time to come of which Elijah point blank refused.
Obviously I’m aware he doesn’t understand that things come to an end so I explain nicely it’s all done now and to say goodbye and we will come back another day to play. He was having none of it kicking and throwing himself on the cold muddy floor hitting me when I tried to help him up. My child’s not badly behaved and I understand this is a stage and how he gets his feelings across. But I still couldn’t help getting stressed with all the dog walkers and yummy mummy’s walking past at my screeching child deciding the floor was his new home. Eventually I had to pick him up and walk away. He then decided to keep throwing himself on the floor because I wouldn’t carry him. Boys heavy and I’m not busting my back walking around a lake with him when he has two perfectly capable legs and more energy than me! Again throwing himself on floor on footpath and mud infront of people and screaming. I tried over and over to be nice then tried getting up and asking him to follow me where he’d stand up and run other way or try jump into the lake.
Brilliant I thought as I started to get increasingly more stressed. But more and more people stared and my friend and Elijahs friend where out of sight and it just kept building up. After fifteen minuites I ended up shouting. I’m not proud but I shouted get up and walk and hold my hand your being a pain in my but. I felt bad but he still carried on and the most turned to shouted nos and the get ups turned to shouted again I couldn’t turn it off. I gave up and hurt my back carrying him back to the picnic area where he decided to behave. Obviously as food was around he was happy. When we got to the car he was such a good boy allowing me to take of his clothes and change them and didn’t moan once. When we got home he sat nicely playing and there came the mum guilt flooding like a storm.
Was I a bad mum for shouting? I see other mums all the time get to the end of their tether and shout so why wasn’t it ok for me too? I always try to be kind and explain things when telling him off but sometimes it doesn’t work. No matter how much I wish it would I hate myself for loosing it. I feel terrible in my heart whenever I shout at him after. But sometimes we need to make ourselves hurt e.g if I asked Elijah nicely to get up all day he’d still be there and of gotten I’ll from the cold floor. If I’d of said nicely don’t jump in lake I’d probably of ended up swimming with the ducks trying to fish him out. Sometimes they need the raised voice to get there attention, especially where safety is concerned. But still the guilts there good old #mumguilt .