A letter to Elijah

A letter to Elijah

Elijah you are currently two and getting closer to two and a half. This last year has been huge for you in terms of development the amount you have been able to learn has been incredible to watch. It’s funny how you go from making no noise to being able to name all the colours, count and do so much more. We have full on conversations that we both understand now and i’m no longer guessing the word you’re trying to say.You have always shocked me and others with your intelligence but everyday you grow more and more and you surprise me every day with new things you learn. You love doing puzzles and reading the same things over and over again. You sing all the time and in tune too. I love listening to your singing although i would kind of rather you didn’t sing Elton john at 2 am every now and then and wake us up. You currently love dancing and you seem to have developed a mixture of dance moves i would describe as a elephant stomp and granddad dancing in overdrive all at once. The pointy fingers your granddads taught you need to go if you’re ever to become a dancer.

We’ve recently started little kickers football classes. Which is basically a load of toddlers following instructions and running around a hall kicking balls and giving themselves pats on the backs for doing so. You love these lessons but at the moment you seem to want to not follow the crowd and listen being the cheeky monkey you are becoming. Who knows maybe one day you’ll be a pro and be thankful for starting football at two! I mean you’re very good with controlling and kicking a ball now. We go to a lot of classes when we can. We go to little wellies which is a group where you just run around and play with other children. There is indoor and outdoor play although you never want to go inside but stay outside playing with footballs and the mud kitchen. You’re favourite thing to do is que for the slide and go on it a few thousand times before we eventually have to go home. We go to a lot of groups which are singing groups such as tot rock. You love singing and dancing so we go when we can and you have to listen to mine and the other parents terrible singing while you have a little boogy. We are always going to soft play for a way to let out steam. Again you make me follow you up and down slides all day and i am surprised i don’t have calf muscles that could bounce me and you to the top of the slide now. We enjoy trips to library to get new books and playing with the arts and crafts that are set up. We love to go out with our friends or just me and you to have some quality time out of the house just us too. We also have MANY play dates here and i tidy up a mountain of toys every time.

Mummy hasn’t worked for about 8 months now. It seems a lot longer but you’re enjoying this time with mummy i like to think. I like being there for you whenever you need me and knowing that if you where in school and unwell i could be there with no stress of swapping shifts.We have our own routine now and it works for us. We wake up every morning at 7:15 and have breakfast together then get ready for the day. You’re potty training at the moment and while you’ve not aced using the potty every time you are doing really well and we are taking our time. We spend days at home doing puzzles and playing games. We do learning activities and colouring as much as we can. We get out art and crafts and sometimes we get the play dough out or do sensory play. We are always playing with your toys together and we mainly play with your animals and dinosaurs. You are obsessed with animals and we go to the zoo at least once a month. You can name every animal i can think of and you say it so proudly! We like to meet with friends as much as we can so you are around your friends and get to play with them. You adore swimming and although we stopped swimming lessons you love just splashing around having fun now!

Your favourite food is sausages and you would eat the,everyday if we let you. You pronounce them “saa saaage ” and it melts my heart every time. We play with your toy kitchen and you always make me sausages every time and i find the sausage hidden all the time around the house. You eat basically anything and everything and i always wonder where you put it. You have very good table manors for your age and always say please and thank you in restaurants too. Your favourite films are trolls and the lion king and we watch them on repeat and have growing merchandise by the day.

You’re such a happy and loving boy. you always comfort people who are sad. You always include others in your play and always ask how people are. You are always so smiley and happy, everyone always says how happy and sweet you are. The older generation even love you including the grumpy man in the post office who doesn’t like anyone! I love how sweet and kind you are and whenever i’m feeling a little blue you’re always there to cheer me up with something silly you do.

Although i love how clever you’re becoming i do sometimes miss how cuddly you once where. Sometimes i feel a bit sad when a cuddle is only a few seconds and you give me a kiss and run of to play. I sometimes hate the fact you’re growing up and ageing if i could keep you this age forever (with more cuddles and less tantrums) i would. May you continue to grow into the brilliant boy you are becoming and always fill mine and everyone else’s heart with joy. May you only ever know love and always be my perfect little boy.

Love mum x

Hello spring…

Hello spring…

Good morning all, i type this as i sit with the sun peeking through clouds into my living room while listening to the radio. I have a hot chocolate in my hand having the odd warm chocolatey sip before typing and escaping for a moment. I really love the seasons change. I adore looking out my windows at cherry blossom tress and the green leafs coming back in the trees. Seeing new flowers budding through and their heads coming out to say hello for a few months brings me a odd sense of happiness. There is something oddly relaxing about the sunshine peeking through, it warms my heart when there is a blue sky with the whitest of clouds and the sun is shinning.

As the music fills the room i see things more brightly in the sunshine.My living room is grey, i love the grey because its cooling and warming all at once. Normally at this time in the winter i’d still need a light on because the sun would still be stuck behind all the dark clouds struggling to peak through. Now i can open my blinds and enjoy the sunshine lighting my room. The natural light is so much more calming then artificial light having to cause a week glow.

We really enjoy trips outside. It’s that perfect time of year when you can get away with a light jacket then sweating in a thick parka. The sun feels warm on your skin and if it rains it is not absolutely freezing and you feel more willing to stay outside then seek shelter all day. This time of the year as a lot of seasonal affective disorder suffers start to feel a bit better as the weather picks up. Like plants we all need a little bit of sun and warmth. Also the heating bills go down a lot and i can get on board without having to layer up and put the heating on. The sun stays out later and comes out earlier so it feels like the days are longer and i feel like being a bit more of a morning person again. I look at my picnic blanket a bit more and plan picnics for warmer days on the park behind our house. It’s so much nicer being warmed by the sun instead of feeling as though you’re being baked like a potato and sweating it out.

This spring we are planning to take a few days for a weekend away to escape the world for a little bit. To leave our phones off and just enjoy being the three of us. We’re also expecting to have our new carpet fitted tomorrow and i have been waiting forever to have it replaced. When we moved in it was the first thing i wanted gone as its been marked by a previous owners dog chewing on it… We’re also planning to sort the garden out in the late spring and sort out more of a play area for Elijah. It is a bit annoying how big our garden and how much work has been needed over the last few summers but its so much better than the wasteland full of broken glass,dirt and tree trunks it was before . It’s going to be so much fun this year having lots of messy play in the garden and playing with Elijah’s sand pit and his water table(that is if the storms haven’t got to them)! We will of course be taking just as many trips to the zoo and going out with friends a lot more than staying inside with them. It might mean my house may stay a little cleaner then it gets after a play date or 2.

What are you all looking forward too about spring and have you got any plans?

Happy international woman’s day.

Happy international woman’s day.

Good morning. I hope you’re all well and have had a lovely weekend so far! Today is apparently international woman day which is in my eyes a good and bad thing. It’s great that woman are appreciated on a day and other woman build them up for the day publicly. But why is this not being done every day? Why is there a day needed to celebrate woman too. Unpopular opinion here but why do we need to celebrate our sex and use it as a platform too promote woman.

I am more than obviously aware of feminism movements over the years and the hardships woman went through to get said right. But in my personal belief i think we’ve got to a stage where we should perhaps believe more in equal rights. The same pay, the same treatment of others and most importantly the same rights. I am and equalitist and believe men and woman should have the same rights. I do not believe in one sex having more rights and respects then others. I judge people on who they are not how their sex dictates.E.g slut shaming. A lot of people would think a man who sleeps about is a total lad worthy or respect whereas a woman is a slut. To me i personally don’t care what people do with their lives or bodies but i would judge someone the same whether they where male or female. I don’t believe in this whole a man shouldn’t hit a woman because i believe people shouldn’t hit other people full stop. I believe men have as much responsibility as woman to take care of their children and family.

I think my views are like this as i was raised to the age of 9 just me and my mum. My biological dad was not on the scene and never has been.When my mum met my dad (step-dad) and had children with him the typical roles of stay at home mum fell to my dad and he stayed at home to do the cooking, cleaning and the caring of the children. Many people looked down on him for this but i never did. I feel this has made me think of men and woman as equal i don’t respect someone more because of their sex or view them as having more rights than anyone else. In an ideal world it would be great if people didn’t have to campaign to get their sex heard more i just wish that everyone was treated equally. Pay be more dependant on experience not genitals. A dad be as responsible as a mum for looking after a child and doing work around the house.

After chats with a few people in this last week i have seen that my sex is used as a identity to me as a stay at home mum. I am expected to do ALL the cooking,cleaning and childcare. I told a family member me and Elijah had eaten lunch out so James could sort his own meal out tonight and they where shocked like i was in the wrong? Me and James are equals and always have been. I cook because i enjoy cooking or because i want too. Not because i have to. I clean because i like a clean home not because i care if my husband likes it or not. My husband does the majority of the washing hanging and putting away and i normally do the bathroom and deep cleaning. We take it in turns to hoover every night and to wash up. James goes to work and i stay at home as it is better for us and works for us. Not because i am a woman and that is my use. If i made more money then James then maybe he would stay at home instead and that would be okay. We both share parental responsibility when home together too which has been great for Elijah as he respects us both.

I do agree in celebrating both sexes and i do also agree with celebrating woman however. The amount we have had to overcome and the daily stigma and degradation we get every day is just simply not needed. So celebrate each other. Celebrate your sex and who you are but just don’t go around thinking your sex is better than the other sex because then that means you’re doing what others do to you what you hate. Let’s break the stigma and empower woman and men. Let’s fix each others crowns and big each other up not tear each other down. Love each other and always be kind.

The loneliness of becoming a parent.

The loneliness of becoming a parent.

One thing i never expected to be as a mother was lonely.Considering when you have a child you are never really alone but nobody really explains what can happen when you have a baby. When you have a baby your days become nappies, cuddles and children toys. When you have a child although you are always with your child the thing you miss the most is adult conversation. Before having a child you may of gone out to the coffee shops near by on your days off to meet with your friends or thought nothing of going to meet your friends at pm for a movie or going to a bar for drinks. However when you have a child you can no longer just go out and when you do you are EXHAUSTED you no longer want to go out late at night and trips are shorter as you’re thinking about getting home to your child.

Another thing i never thought would affect me too much is when people cancel on you as a mother. It’s inevitable people are going to cancel because one reason or another but when you become stuck at home with no plans it can get a bit lonely. Also i never realised that having no plans day after day at some points can be incredibly lonely. I miss the adult conversation i love my child but at the end of the day he is a child. While i talk to him like a adult so that his language and speech has always been as good as it can be i can’t talk to him about adult subjects. Although don’t get me wrong talking about animals, singing all the songs from the lion king on repeat and saying all the words to trolls with Elijah every day of my life is a blast. However sometimes i crave talking to other adults. I become a bit fixated on my phone and crave a text of someone else when i have been stuck in. When i worked i didn’t think about the loneliness of being a mum because i still worked and saw my friends or relaxed on the days i had off. However since stopping worked i have realised a lot of both my human and adult conversation has really been taken away from me.

I get quite excited for my husband to come home sometimes so he can tell me about his day and so that we can have a adult conversation that normally comes back to our son anyway. I try to meet up with other mums as much as i can and take Elijah to play groups. This isn’t just for his development but for my own sanity too, this enables me to get out and hold a conversation with other people and feel normal again.I also try to be friendly to others in the hope that i could perhaps make friends too. I also try to meet up with friends every now and then without Elijah so that i can talk about something other than children and just be charlie. I want to talk about whats happening in other peoples lives and get to know them and keep my personality as not just a mum but also charlie who was there first.

Although i completely adore being a mother even if to some people my blog posts may sound like i’m moaning about being a mum (i’m not i am just being honest) . At the end of the day my son has made me into this brave strong woman and i love who Elijah is making me become. I know i will never be alone while i have him but i also miss the part of me who was social and had a social life before him. It is a shame that when you have a child keeping a social life has to be so hard and that friends who do not have children sometimes do not always understand the restrictions that come with being a mum. However i think that perhaps this period of loneliness may be short lived. I always see mums in the playground becoming friends and that is what i hope for as i get older that i will make more friends with other mums perhaps helping at Elijah’s school or something when hes older. I will always have my little family to keep me happy and sane and i thank my lucky stars for them each and everyday. Even if the discussion is mainly about hey duggee and mickey mouse at the moment.

The pressure to have more children.

The pressure to have more children.

Quite often the subject of having more children inevitably comes up with family, friends and even strangers. I’ve written previously on whether i want another child or not in a previous blog post but i think i guessed things would change as Elijah got older. I have always wanted a few children but since having Elijah my opinion has changed. At the moment i’m unsure if i want another child. If i was to fall pregnant again i wouldn’t be sad or anything but at the moment i am happy being a mother of one. I quite like being able to give him all my time and energy and i think he thrives from that too. I don’t want to feel obligated into having anymore children.

However as Elijah has gotten older more people have told me i should have another child just so my son doesn’t feel lonely. First of all this is not a reason to have a child. You don’t have a child to make a little friend, you make a child because you want to bring life to the world and expand your family. It is possible to be a only child and happy. I have experience of both being a only child and then a sibling. I grew up with my mum and i was her only child and until i was 9 and i didn’t have any siblings (that i see). I can honestly say that i did not ever feel lonely and i only really felt somewhat lonely when there where 2 tiny babies around the home and i was a bit lost in my role as a sister at this age.Obviously my brothers and I are close and i love my with all my heart but i don’t think my mum decided to have another child because i was lonely.

I kind of feel a bit anxious when people talk to me about having more children. I get alot of family members like my parents and grandparents telling me to have more children. I know they don’t mean to cause offence but i kind of feel like is that all i am now? a baby maker? I also kind of think do they not think Elijah is enough or something? Has he become boring to them or do they want another newer model to play with? I am sometimes left questioning why it is brought up so often aswell i at least hear it from a family member or two at least once a month. Is me saying i’m happy as we are at the moment not enough? Like i am not going to have another child just to please my family.Which to be honest sounds like something i would do to the extreme where i have this need to please everyone and not offend anyone. Family seem to forget sometimes that people do have control over there own lives as they get older.

Strangers also have a big role in talking to you in public when with your child and say oh when will you have another one? First of all i do not know you and i will never speak to you again so why do you need to know or care? It is a bit odd going up to a stranger and saying when will you have another one or oh they need a baby brother/sister! If you have to say something talk about how happy my child is or something!

Also i have noticed a lot of media /films/ tv series and the online world only really shares family as at least four people. It is really rare i will watch a film or series when there is someone be it a child or adult that a only child and doesn’t have some sort of brother or sister. I also find as well that people seem to react better when people have more than one child like it means you’re a more wholesome family or something like that.

I think as well as other people putting pressure onto us i think we put pressure on to ourselves. Like when i give Elijah clothes to charity sometimes i feel guilt like i should be keeping his clothes just in case we have another child. I also sometimes think about being pregnant again and having a newborn and then i feel somewhat pressure like that’s what i should do again just because i have a thought that pops into my head. I also feel like i set plans in my head when i was younger of the perfect family of four and because of that i think my mind sometimes still thinks that’s the dream. Even though dreams can change when your reality changes. I think my health has a part to play also since being diagnosed with endometriosis i have a slight concern i may not be able to have more children one day and that means I need to rush it.

Maybe one day i might change my mind and want another child but at the moment we are happy. That is okay. I never say to my friends or family oh you should have another child because i know it can trigger people sometimes.Also remember when you may be saying this to people they could possibly be going things and not telling people such as miscarriages, IVF, fertility issues or mental health issues.

It is okay to not want more children and even a child at all if someone has decided not to have kids. It is not our business what happens in anyone else’s life but our own. So lets not try to pass our opinions to others that can cause upset. Having a baby is a BIG responsibility that lasts the rest of your life. It is not something like getting something that is temporarily cute and little like a puppy.

You also should not have to defend if you do not wish to have anymore children and you are also entitled to change your mind. If i was to wake up tomorrow and want to change my mind and want a child that is okay and my choice. It will not be because someone told me too. Remember your life is your life and your choices are your own and you do not have to justify them.

Why it’s hard being ill when you’re a parent.

Why it’s hard being ill when you’re a parent.

When you become a parent you have certain responsibilities that come with the job role. From the day they are born you need to meet your own and their needs at the same time. That means feeding them, cleaning them and their environment aswell as keeping them happy aswell as taking care of yourself. But what about when you’re ill?

When you’re ill you are still a parent. Although unlike previously when you where childless you where able to just feel ill. You where able to stay in bed completely undisturbed and look after yourself untill you felt better. However when you have children that’s gone. You have to cook, clean, entertain a child and look after their every need while desperately wanting a nap or be able to just feel ill for a minuite. Also being a parent typically mean they catch your illness or you’ve caught there’s and not only do you feel rubbish but they do too. You then struggle with being ill and trying to keep them happy when they get really grizzly and do things like refuse food and water exetera. On top of this you have to cook and clean your house so you have a clean household to live in and keep your strength up. Typically unless you have a great support system from family you have to do the caring all by yourself. You can’t ship them off to someone else why you recoperate and even if you do they come back at the end of the day and still need all their needs met and all your energy.

It’s hard to want to still do things you would want to do when you’re normallly I’ll. for example if I was feeling a little under the weather I would still go to meet my friends for coffee or something but since having a kid I’m less likely too because not only will I feel a bit bad but I’m also grouchy because typically Elijah will pick up when I feel bad and be naughty and everything is ten times more exhausting. Kids really for some reason sense when you feel unwell and for some reason they get a little naughty and I have no idea why even if you act normal when feeling ill.

Also if you’re having a bit of a bad mental health day there’s no break from that either. You can’t just say please stop tantruming because mummy’s feeling a little upset today because they just wouldn’t understand. There is no personal space or dealing with your emotions in ways you used to be able to. Before having Elijah I used to have down days where I would relax in bed for the day watching greys anatomy with food and to be left alone. I would then normally feel okay the next day and like I’d calmed down. But with a child there is no escaping for the day or being able to feel your emotions out in the open as it upsets them too. You also have to put a brave face on every day and act like everything’s okay and it’s so hard. It’s hard to not be honest with your feelings or be able to take a break.

It’s okay as a parent to ask for help when you feel ill from family and your other half’s. It doesn’t make you a better mum for struggling in silence or a worse mum for accepting help. If someone is willing to help take the help because at the end of the day your health is so important. If you can’t get help I salute you too because a lot of the time I don’t get any help either and it can be so exhausting so I’m thankful when ever a offer is there.

Mum shaming is a real issue.

Mum shaming is a real issue.

One thing i see a lot of on social media is mum shaming. People who hide behind a keyboard and publicly put mothers down because of how they are raising their children.This isn’t limited to social media as people will do this in public, on the playground, playgroups and just about anywhere. People really feel that motherhood is a competition now. Being a mother is so hard these days because not only have we got to try and raise a tiny human but we also have to do it in a digital world where people judge every last thing you do.

I really hate seeing people mum shame. Especially online or loudly in public so they can be heard. E.g at a restaurant when someone loudly moans about someone’s toddler crying and how the mums dealing with it. I mean sometimes you can’t help but to judge someone elses parenting style as it is different to your own but you absolutely do not say it to them as that may cause upset. I feel really horrid for celebrities sometimes. Because peoples jealousy turns them into keyboard warriors that feel they can hide behind a screen while being horrid to someone else. Take the kardashians for example whatever they do upsets someone. They could feed their child a carrot and someone would be upset and call them uptight for buying a organic carrot or evil because its not chocolate. It must be so hard having your parenting ripped apart by others every day constantly and being able to see what people say as well must take you to pretty dark places seeing this over and over. I once was trolled and it felt awful. I was told i was a terrible mother because i once spoke about how we shouldn’t judge how people feed their babies. I have no idea where they got that from but just the words where enough to make me cry and make me want to delete my blog which has been therapeutic for me. I honestly can’t see why people have to directly mum shame knowing that this will cause upset.

I’ve also seen quite a few people i follow on Instagram be given a lot of grief on Instagram for simply posting things like toys, days out exetera. It’s like people can’t do anything to please these people. A lot of it is competition i think. I don’t know why people need to get so mean to try and win some make believe contest in their heads. It doesn’t make you a better parent to mum shame someone. It doesn’t set a good example for your children or for yourself. I want to teach my child to be kind and not to bring others down. I would never want to make someone feel sad or doubt their mothering style or anything like that. You already as a mother have to contend with the thoughts i’m not good enough, am i doing enough? can i be better?Without someone telling you that you aren’t good enough like it is at all constructive. Obviously if your worried about something you could always politely message them in a kind way and speak about your concerns but nasty comments especially publicly are not acceptable ever.

Be kind always. Just because someone parents differently than you please do not upset someone by telling them your thoughts. You are entitled to your own thoughts but please just keep them as that just thoughts. You never know what someone is going through so try to spread happiness not sadness.